"I won't be wronged. I won't be insulted. I won't be laid a hand on. I don't do these things to other people, and I require the same from them." John Wayne, the Duke himself, said that as JB Books in the movie The Shootist.
I've always kind of had that little ideal in my head...good words to live by. Solid words. Man's words. Since he's such a big man, I pretty well ignore the fact that, in the movie, JB Books is pretty much a self-important jerk. So self important, in fact, that he can't die like other mere mortals, for crying out loud, he wants even his death to be an event.
Maybe I ought to give more thought to the axioms I choose to live by. I don't see any room for forgiveness or grace in Mr. Books' words. Oh big deal, just a movie, right? No. Programming brings emotions, emotions bring thoughts, thoughts bring actions, and actions bring consequences.
Today, for probably the first time in better than a year, I got angry. Not mad, not upset--I got flat out angry--angry to the core. Pissed off, lost my SH!T angry. And I was right to. I was right, and righteous, and insulted, and wronged.
I actually kept my composure externally fairly well. I didn't do any yelling or screaming. I didn't insult anyone personally. I was just hard. Cold. Mean. Angry.
I spent the better part of the day telling others about how I was wronged. And spoken down to. And insulted. I kept reliving the event in my head. Reminding myself how good I was for not lashing out and tearing the wrong-doer apart.
And you know what? It sucked. It consumed me. It ruined my day. Completely, totally devastated my ability to find any good in anyone or anything today.
On a good note, it's not like the bad old days. I don't have to hide from anyone, or be too awfully embarrassed as to how I behaved--externally. Frankly, I don't think I have any apologizing to do, other than that which has already occurred. But, I know the hate and anger that was in my heart. I know the vile ugly door that opened that has long been shut and not a part of my heart or thoughts. I'm not proud of that. I'm ashamed of that. I know. God knows. HE sees. I know.
Heidi knew. She saw it. She remembers that guy. I don't like that guy. She doesn't like that guy. She left THAT guy. That guy was a miserable wreck.
You know, the Duke is entertaining on the silver screen. Many young men who otherwise might not have had a role model could probably do much worse than to try to be like him. I suppose you could say I picked the wrong character to make a hero. There's certainly more Christ-like behavior in Mr. Andersen's death in The Cowboys. Taking a beating on behalf of the kids he was trying to protect and ultimately dying for them. Ok, sure. Better anyway.
But I think I need to look much further back, and a bit more introspectively to find my hero. How come we don't spend time making much of the hero that Jesus was? What have we done in our society to make little boys want to grow up and be like Jesus? Why don't we idolize Him? Why don't we brag about Him? We take our kids to church every week, send them to VBS, church camp, winter camp, whatever...if we aren't teaching them how awesome it is to be Christlike, what's the point?
Jim Burgen, pastor at Flatiron's Community Church in my hometown, did a great sermon series about Real Men, and what a real man Jesus was. A warrior. A winner. A guy who wouldn't back down from anyone. A guy big enough, and perfect enough, to give His life for us. He talked about how we spend a lot of time thinking about white robe Jesus, petting baby animals and patting kids on the head...I don't even know where that image came from.
What about super angry, righteous, pissed off Jesus when he was flipping out, and tearing up the tables in the temple? That Jesus was awesome. Righteous, awesome. And could turn around and forgive, and have grace, and give of Himself.
I want to be more like that.
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
Sunday, February 15, 2015
Do it AGAIN! Do it AGAIN!
Some of my most trying times as a parent can come in moments that I build up in my mind to be great moments for my kids, only to find them unwilling to try--being afraid of the outcome. From new foods to four wheelers to jumping in the deep end...getting kids to try things you know they'll enjoy could be a topic all of its own. However, I just want to briefly focus on the after effects.
Almost without fail, after the ice of scariness is shattered, amid giant smiles and laughter, comes words I think all parents know too well--and they can equally make us smile and make us crazy, "Do it AGAIN!"
From little tiny Kate, who didn't want me to lift her out of the water and dunk her head, to that same little girl after I finally took the risk and tossed her up in air and let her FLY and then go under...coughing and sputtering, spitting water out of her mouth and snot running out of her nose, "Do it AGAIN Daddy!" "Again!" "Again, Daddy!" To utter exhaustion on both our parts.
From bicycles to piggy back rides to wrestling around to throwing a ball or being afraid to shoot a gun...from the ashes of apprehension come the growth of learning and empowerment and enjoyment.
Watching in these moments sparks all kinds of emotions: love, pride, joy, the bittersweet realization with each new milestone reached that my little girls are growing up!
Today in church, during a great sermon around the events of Acts 4, I drew an interesting parallel.
For those like me who don't quite have each story, chapter, and verse of the Bible quite memorized, let me bring you up to speed. Jesus was crucified and rose a couple weeks ago. The disciples, following their directions, are spreading His word and the word of his resurrection, and basically, are starting the Christian church. The folks who killed Jesus are none too pleased, seeing as how they thought they had disposed of their problems, so they arrest Peter and John both for spreading the word, and for calling upon God to heal a crippled up dude in the temple.
Peter and John are held in jail, and then "tried" in a religious court. The leaders are pretty stumped. They've got a dude who used to be crippled who's dancing around and singing about Jesus, and, the Bible says, about 5,000 of his closest friends, give or take, who are soaking up the message and spreading it fast!
So the leaders decide killing Peter and John may not be in their collective interest. Instead, they cut them loose, but tell them to shut up and go away. Peter's pretty bold at this point, seeing as how he was fully braced up for death, so he pretty much thumbs his nose and says, "No thanks religious dudes, I'm gonna follow God's orders instead of yours," and goes on his way.
Peter and John get back together with the other believers, and they run away and hide, and vow to never put themselves that close to danger again! Then they prayed, "Dear God, thank You for saving us, please protect us so THAT never happens again!"
Actually, I made that last part up. That's probably what I would do on a lot of days. I'd pray thanks to God for saving my skin, and make a mental note of which part of town to not open my mouth in again. I'd probably even forget to outwardly give Him the praise for saving my sorry butt in the first place--people would be patting me on the back, "Dang man, you're so brave, standing up to those religious dudes," and I'd be all, "Yeah, those punks didn't scare me...they are LUCKY they let me go so I didn't have to mess them up!"
Peter and John didn't do that. They met with their peeps, and they all kinda partied it up, and celebrated. Then, they did the exact opposite of my made up bit above...They prayed to God and said, "Again! Do it again!" What THEY did, was they saw how many people were turned onto Jesus by their actions, and they said, "Awesome God! Do it AGAIN!" "Use ME AGAIN God!"
About this time, I caught a whole bunch of analogies swimming in my head, but the most obvious is that of my Spiritual Father making His best efforts to prod and cajole me into jumping off into the deep end. He knows the reward will be incredible, but He gave me the free will to miss out.
How many awesome experiences have I missed because I wasn't willing to, "try that vegetable," or speak up in an opportune situation? How many incredible experiences will I never know because when it was my turn to let go of the rope, I refused? I'll probably never know.
Changing gears ever so slightly, how many times did I fail to see the growth in what was a horrible life experience--a tragedy, a death, or even just a bad day? Instead, at the end, the best thanks I can muster is to thank God for getting me through it, and then I pray to never have it happen again?
Where's my inner child? Where's my spiritual, "Do it AGAIN?"
I wonder what my life would be like if I lived that way?
More importantly, how much glory would I be giving to God to allow Him the honor and respect and love of seeing one of His children experience something awesome? Wow! If I feel the way I do when my kids experience joy, how could it be any different for God?
Most of you know how my life turned indescribably for the better after my entire world imploded with my marriage. I've thanked God profusely for the growth that came out of that, but after today I think I missed the bigger point. NO! I don't think I need to pray to God to allow my marriage to unravel again, lest I forget the lesson, I'm not saying that at all...but I do believe I need to ask for more opportunities to experience spiritual growth, and the fulfillment that comes with that.
My life experience tells me that all growth, all reward, comes only at the expense of risk. The risk may be simply placing myself out of my comfort zone, or it may come in the form of indescribable tragedy for myself or someone else, or any opportunity in between.
I'm going to do my best to find my inner spiritual child. I want to live life with a lot more, "Do it AGAIN!"
Almost without fail, after the ice of scariness is shattered, amid giant smiles and laughter, comes words I think all parents know too well--and they can equally make us smile and make us crazy, "Do it AGAIN!"
From little tiny Kate, who didn't want me to lift her out of the water and dunk her head, to that same little girl after I finally took the risk and tossed her up in air and let her FLY and then go under...coughing and sputtering, spitting water out of her mouth and snot running out of her nose, "Do it AGAIN Daddy!" "Again!" "Again, Daddy!" To utter exhaustion on both our parts.
From bicycles to piggy back rides to wrestling around to throwing a ball or being afraid to shoot a gun...from the ashes of apprehension come the growth of learning and empowerment and enjoyment.
Watching in these moments sparks all kinds of emotions: love, pride, joy, the bittersweet realization with each new milestone reached that my little girls are growing up!
Today in church, during a great sermon around the events of Acts 4, I drew an interesting parallel.
For those like me who don't quite have each story, chapter, and verse of the Bible quite memorized, let me bring you up to speed. Jesus was crucified and rose a couple weeks ago. The disciples, following their directions, are spreading His word and the word of his resurrection, and basically, are starting the Christian church. The folks who killed Jesus are none too pleased, seeing as how they thought they had disposed of their problems, so they arrest Peter and John both for spreading the word, and for calling upon God to heal a crippled up dude in the temple.
Peter and John are held in jail, and then "tried" in a religious court. The leaders are pretty stumped. They've got a dude who used to be crippled who's dancing around and singing about Jesus, and, the Bible says, about 5,000 of his closest friends, give or take, who are soaking up the message and spreading it fast!
So the leaders decide killing Peter and John may not be in their collective interest. Instead, they cut them loose, but tell them to shut up and go away. Peter's pretty bold at this point, seeing as how he was fully braced up for death, so he pretty much thumbs his nose and says, "No thanks religious dudes, I'm gonna follow God's orders instead of yours," and goes on his way.
Peter and John get back together with the other believers, and they run away and hide, and vow to never put themselves that close to danger again! Then they prayed, "Dear God, thank You for saving us, please protect us so THAT never happens again!"
Actually, I made that last part up. That's probably what I would do on a lot of days. I'd pray thanks to God for saving my skin, and make a mental note of which part of town to not open my mouth in again. I'd probably even forget to outwardly give Him the praise for saving my sorry butt in the first place--people would be patting me on the back, "Dang man, you're so brave, standing up to those religious dudes," and I'd be all, "Yeah, those punks didn't scare me...they are LUCKY they let me go so I didn't have to mess them up!"
Peter and John didn't do that. They met with their peeps, and they all kinda partied it up, and celebrated. Then, they did the exact opposite of my made up bit above...They prayed to God and said, "Again! Do it again!" What THEY did, was they saw how many people were turned onto Jesus by their actions, and they said, "Awesome God! Do it AGAIN!" "Use ME AGAIN God!"
About this time, I caught a whole bunch of analogies swimming in my head, but the most obvious is that of my Spiritual Father making His best efforts to prod and cajole me into jumping off into the deep end. He knows the reward will be incredible, but He gave me the free will to miss out.
How many awesome experiences have I missed because I wasn't willing to, "try that vegetable," or speak up in an opportune situation? How many incredible experiences will I never know because when it was my turn to let go of the rope, I refused? I'll probably never know.
Changing gears ever so slightly, how many times did I fail to see the growth in what was a horrible life experience--a tragedy, a death, or even just a bad day? Instead, at the end, the best thanks I can muster is to thank God for getting me through it, and then I pray to never have it happen again?
Where's my inner child? Where's my spiritual, "Do it AGAIN?"
I wonder what my life would be like if I lived that way?
More importantly, how much glory would I be giving to God to allow Him the honor and respect and love of seeing one of His children experience something awesome? Wow! If I feel the way I do when my kids experience joy, how could it be any different for God?
Most of you know how my life turned indescribably for the better after my entire world imploded with my marriage. I've thanked God profusely for the growth that came out of that, but after today I think I missed the bigger point. NO! I don't think I need to pray to God to allow my marriage to unravel again, lest I forget the lesson, I'm not saying that at all...but I do believe I need to ask for more opportunities to experience spiritual growth, and the fulfillment that comes with that.
My life experience tells me that all growth, all reward, comes only at the expense of risk. The risk may be simply placing myself out of my comfort zone, or it may come in the form of indescribable tragedy for myself or someone else, or any opportunity in between.
I'm going to do my best to find my inner spiritual child. I want to live life with a lot more, "Do it AGAIN!"
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