Yeah, I've got your back.

To brothers and sisters with the copy and paste, "IGYB" and "IGY6" posts. I appreciate what the intent is behind those posts, but I have not copied and pasted mostly because I haven't been in front of a keyboard where I could articulate my thoughts.

Nobody has any doubt how I feel about those who serve. I certainly have a special spot in my heart for those who have chosen law enforcement, but as I have aged, matured, hurt, and lost a few times, I've developed a much broader definition of service, and I've developed a much stronger sense of the concept of friendship, brotherhood, and leadership.

Recently, I had the opportunity to explain to a few folks that my active participation as a sworn deputy with our local sheriff's office was really not that different from Heidi and I taking part in our recent Compassion trip to Ecuador. In both cases, we are using the talents and gifts that God gave us to help other people. In both cases, I am able to share these gifts because of the blessings and success that my family's business has had, and the freedom that is afforded by that success.

Back to point, there has been a lot of reason for my blue family to circle the wagons and encourage one another, and encourage one another's family members. There is little as tragic as anyone being killed in the line of service; probably trumped only by cold-blooded, intentional murder that we've recently seen.

So, yeah. I've got your back. I've got your back if we wear a uniform and carry a gun so that other families can breathe a little easier. I've got your back if (as my staff did last week), you're the first fire truck to roll up to a grass fire and you need another set of hands to drag a hose. I'm here if you are beating that demon of addiction, and it's just one of THOSE days and you need to talk. I'm here if your relationship tanked and life just sucks and you want to gripe. I've got your back if you've known me long enough to wonder, "What happened to that guy," and you want to know a bit more about how my relationship with Christ has affected my EVERYTHING.

I appreciate knowing that my brothers and sisters in and out of uniform would do anything for me. I'd jump in front of a bullet, or push you out of the way of an oncoming car if I could too. Not because I want to get hurt or die, but because I know you'd do that for me.

God did that for me, for you, for us. He took it all on, so that we could take that whole, "eternal damnation," thing off our minds and serve Him; not so we could get in fights about sporting events, tear families apart over politics, or bicker about trivial things on Facebook--so we could spread JOY, and LOVE, and HOPE from Him to those who long so desperately to hold those things close.

Most of you reading this made the LONG journey with me. My friends list on Facebook was cut in about 1/3 when my life was a disaster, I was trying to put it all back together--God, marriage, sobriety...the whole mess.

Some of you have joined me since then--church friends, pastors, like minded missions folks, new friends in law enforcement, Ecuadorian friends. Almost every person who I am connected to directly on Facebook has a legitimate contact to me, and has touched my life in some way. Some have found, that if that way isn't a positive one, I don't have much use for people. I'll own that. Be positive. Ephesians 4:29 people. It's on the whiteboard at work! Yeah, I fail too. It's hard. Life is hard. But without lofty goals, we can all just sit around and gripe about how it's too hard to aspire to more.

Most of my facebook posts are private, only shared among those of you that I call friends. Some, like this one, I might change to public, because maybe someone, somewhere else would benefit from my ramblings. You can feel free to share if you want.

So. I'm going to put a uniform on, and put on my duty belt, and go spend the last 10 or 12 hours of my vacation working a shift with my brothers from the Sheriff's office that has accepted me as one of them. I'll serve, I'll do my part. Tomorrow, I'll go to work and do what I have to do there, so that I can do this again, and visit Ecuador again soon.

Yeah. I've got your back, brothers, because we are that. We are brothers and sisters. One People. One Church. One God.

#sheepdog #onechurch

Arguing with myself...

One of the cool things about "free writing" to clear my brain, is I don't make any rules, I don't edit (much), and I rarely proofread all the way through before hitting the publish button.  I think raw=real, mistakes and all.

Often, though, I do fail to "complete the circle" and finish a point that I started.  Weird huh?  Just like trying to have a conversation with me...

So, in interest of personal growth and improvement, here's my responses to my own issues I brought up yesterday:

1.) For the group of 15 of us to take part in this trip, approximately $45,000 was raised/spent on travel and expenses.  I'm no developing country scholar, but my math tells me that this amount of money could go a long way without my international flight costs digging into it.  You get the idea, the money was a real struggle for me.  Not raising it, not giving it up to go, but I couldn't help but feel like a bit of an arrogant jerk to be spending that kind of coin to go first hand and gawk at people who were struggling for bare necessities.

Later in my dialogue, I addressed how utilitarian we are as Americans, how we want to see a return on our investment.  In a way, that's comical, when I examine the waste and stupid things I've done financially, but the point is still there.  Here's what I think now:

I have seen how, and where, the accounting is done at the children's center.  Not only is the accounting meticulous, it's clear that the culture in the organization is to be excellent stewards of the money that they receive.  I saw this in our entire trip, and while the staff certainly went out of their way to make sure we were comfortable, it wasn't over the top, in my opinion.

A flip side of the comfort question is this: how effective would a mission be to drag a bunch of pampered Americans down, wear them out physically, mentally, and emotionally, and then make them sleep in discomfort, eat food that makes their stomachs ill, etc.?  For me?  I'd kinda dig it.  For most, not so much.  After a day or two of that, there might not be enough "blessing" to go around. Just being real.

Next, there is certainly value (and Compassion and other organizations know it, it just makes business sense) in having folks witness first-hand what is happening in the children's centers, and how the money is being utilized.  It's going to cost money to have people see this, but the return, I can only imagine, is enormous.  I know how I've preached about what I saw--heck, I'm writing this, and arguing with myself...the future investment in the area, I believe, depends at least in part on folks getting boots on the ground and seeing what is happening.

Third, and maybe most important, there is an immeasurable change in the perspective of those who attend a short term mission trip.  I believe that this is the intangible good that comes out of the trip, and may not even ever effect the actual area that was being served.  How can we know the future effect of an 18 year old (or 50 year old) who's life is irreversibly altered by their experience on such a trip?  How can one try to put a dollar figure on that?  I would submit, you can not.

2.) Work projects:  I chose my trip, or allowed it to choose me, because I felt something a little mysterious brewing under the surface.  We weren't painting a church, we weren't building a house, we weren't digging a well...we were just going to be present.  That appealed very much to me.  See, cynical me believes that painters should paint, and builders should build, and well drillers should drill--I come from a construction background, and I can assure you--every time I've had a well-intention-ed but unskilled person want to "help", my projects take longer, frustrate me more, and too often end up completed in a substandard way.  Besides, if unemployment or underemployment is a major issue in an area, why the heck would I be down there working for free instead of taking some of my mission money and hiring some local laborers to do the same thing?  Hmmm.

The issue of work projects will continue to be a hard nut for me to crack.  I do believe, however, that I have had my eyes opened enough, and God has provided enough wisdom in me, for me to acknowledge that I don't even know what I don't know.  I have not participated in a work-project mission.  I know people who have.  I have family that just did.  Great for them!  I can't imagine that they possibly flew across the globe and participated in a project and came back unchanged.

There are some practical considerations that I still struggle with, but seeing what I address in my paragraph above about perspective and future impact--I'm gonna shut my mouth and leave this one alone.  If someone is passionate about work projects, and they are connected with an organization that is in tune with making that happen, then my approval and commentary is not required, nor has it been requested.

3.) What am I going to do anyway?  Since we weren't building something, and I doubted that the majority of the folks we would contact would be running a business and desirous of my vast management skills to be consulted upon, what the heck was I going to do for a week in a country where I BARELY understand the language, and know nothing of the culture?


I have to admit, this is the weakest argument I had, but also one that I hear the most.  The self-deprecating, poor me, I'm not good enough, Zacchaeus argument just really doesn't fly.

Seriously, how can we truly as Christians, as children of God, actually believe this for more than about 15 seconds?  A basic tenant of our beliefs is that we were created with purpose, with worth, and that God loved and believed enough in us to sacrifice his Son for us.  Um, we can probably handle a few awkward moments until we see where we fit in the puzzle.

As one of my heros, Zig Ziglar said, "You were designed for accomplishment, engineered for success, and endowed with the seeds of greatness!"

How about going out at sharing that?

Conclusion

I don't have all the answers, nor do I pretend to.  I like to throw things out there because they are spinning in my head, and if they make other people think, then COOL.  If not, I'm just another crackpot on the internet spouting off--there's plenty of room for all of us.

There should be no doubt that I've "drank the kool-aid" with regard to relationship based missions, and my support of my Compassion child, family, and neighborhood.  As I told Fernando, I'm all in. Bring on the next adventure.  Or, as you could read about in an earlier blog...DO IT AGAIN!

Mission Trip Debrief

I'm starting to think that there is not much original thought left in this world.  Not that we aren't trying, but everytime I think I'm clever and I've really got a great fresh idea to pass on, Google jumps in and ruins it.

Holy cow, how can I plagiarize some dude I've never heard of, on some website I didn't know existed?  Well, that kinda flows right along with my thoughts on stories--we're really not all that different, and it turns out, we share a lot of thoughts and feelings.

I was googling to try to get some insight on some of the thoughts I had before Heidi and I went on our Compassion trip to Ecuador.  As it turns out, I'm shockingly not the first person to be cynical about the idea of short term mission trips.  Even more shocking, there was a [name redacted for security purposes] big time cynic on my trip with me!  Wow!

A few years ago after hitting some roadblocks in what I *thought* was a great local ministry idea, helping people who couldn't afford decent transportation get some, I was encouraged to read the book, "Toxic Charity".  I'd encourage you to read it as well.  The subtitle is "How Churches and Charities Hurt Those They Help."  WOW.  That was eye opening.  Americans, particularly American Christians, are very good at seeing a need, and very good at rallying support for a cause.  What we apparently really lack, is the ability to move from catalyst to sustainability.  A major disconnect, it would seem, is our desire to impose our will on people who never asked for it in the first place! A second, would be the foreseeable, yet often ignored, consequences of the changes being made.

Let's get some specific cynical stuff out of the way first:

1.) For the group of 15 of us to take part in this trip, approximately $45,000 was raised/spent on travel and expenses.  I'm no developing country scholar, but my math tells me that this amount of money could go a long way without my international flight costs digging into it.  You get the idea, the money was a real struggle for me.  Not raising it, not giving it up to go, but I couldn't help but feel like a bit of an arrogant jerk to be spending that kind of coin to go first hand and gawk at people who were struggling for bare necessities.

2.) Work projects:  I chose my trip, or allowed it to choose me, because I felt something a little mysterious brewing under the surface.  We weren't painting a church, we weren't building a house, we weren't digging a well...we were just going to be present.  That appealed very much to me.  See, cynical me believes that painters should paint, and builders should build, and well drillers should drill--I come from a construction background, and I can assure you--every time I've had a well-intention-ed but unskilled person want to "help", my projects take longer, frustrate me more, and too often end up completed in a substandard way.  Besides, if unemployment or underemployment is a major issue in an area, why the heck would I be down there working for free instead of taking some of my mission money and hiring some local laborers to do the same thing?  Hmmm.

3.) What am I going to do anyway?  Since we weren't building something, and I doubted that the majority of the folks we would contact would be running a business and desirous of my vast management skills to be consulted upon, what the heck was I going to do for a week in a country where I BARELY understand the language, and know nothing of the culture?

As I listened to our incredible host, Fernando Puga describe what he felt was effective and what was NOT effective, I had a thought that had never crossed my mind before.  Fernando described a strong desire to shift from transactional or stuff based mission work to transformational or thought based work.  (Note:  this is my debrief of my experience, I don't speak for Fernando, nor do I articulate nearly as well as he does--but I think we connected on his goals.)  Fernando described well the well intended, yet often short-sighted programs and projects that have taken place around the world, and then described why long-term, those programs or projects failed.  Fernando instructed us that the best thing that we could do is be present, be loving, and be encouraging.  Encourage dreams, relate to people like a person.  Laugh, cry, hug, love.  Open our minds past our American solutions to problems that are not American problems.  Hmmm...seemed a little open ended.

Somewhere in the midst of Fernando's presentation, my mind trailed off a bit.  I started thinking of things I hadn't.  Suddenly, even some of the positive thoughts I had didn't seem so positive.  A word popped into my head that hadn't been spoken, but it just connected--Imperialism.  (Turns out, I thought my clever coining of the phrase Imperialistic Mission Trips was original--nope.  Google that, and you'll find a bunch of other clever people who thought they were original too.)  Even in our best intentions, we sometimes fail to understand that others don't necessarily want what we want, or want to be how we are.

I came back to the conversation somewhere around the time that Fernando was explaining that he wanted our visit to be about relationships.  Don't be seen as a dollar sign, a handout, Santa Claus, an ATM.  There were numerous examples, and somewhere in there, I realized that God had definitely led me to the right trip, with the right leadership.  Interesting.

So...since we returned, I've been asked two things (mostly).  1.) How was your trip?  2.) What did you do?

Well, how was our trip?  Indescribable.  Incredible.  Life changing, humbling, and inspiring.  Frankly, a better answer is this:  Heidi and I are going back in October.  Yeah, like in 3 months.  I knew shortly after we had arrived that there was a draw to this region that was about more than just this one trip.  I don't really know what that means yet, and certainly don't know what the future holds, but I can assure you that absent some serious sign from God, Ecuador, and specifically the town of Echeandia, Bolivar province, is now a part of my family's story, and will continue to be.

What did we do?  Nothing.  Everything.  We were told to take notes and keep a journal.  I don't follow direction very well.  More truthfully, I don't process deep emotion and thought quickly, at least not to the point that I'm willing to commit it to paper.  I made a few notes and mostly started thinking through this blog post.  Here it is.  More will come later, out of order, in jagged pieces just like the best memories do, but for now, this is my story of what we did.

We met people.  Lots of people, lots of mothers and children.  We were greeted like long-lost family, even though nobody knew us.  I got more hugs and kisses in an hour than I've had in a year.  We saw accomplishment.  We saw pride.  We saw hard work, and we saw some of the effects of the recent earthquake.  We saw abject poverty.  I saw structures that people called homes that would not even meet standards for those of us who like to "rough it" in the woods.

What I didn't see?  Self-pity.  Anger.  Disdain.  Greed.  A word that came to mind almost immediately after my first home visit was, "CONTENT."  Not one time did I spend time with anyone who asked us to pray for more things, or a nicer house, or more clothes, or a bigger tv.  Health, enough work to pay the bills.  That's pretty much what people asked for.  People who after showing me their house with no windows and no running water and half a dozen people in it insisted that I take their gift of 30lbs of oranges or other fruit.  People willing to share, willing to give.

What did I see?  I saw generosity.  I saw goodness.  I saw thankfulness.

Quickly, almost before I realized, I looked past what I saw as an American--no a/c, no running water, no convection oven (no oven), and I saw people.  I saw God's people.  I saw good.

Oh sure, it's not all peaches and rainbows.  Of course we were sheltered from the worst of the worst, and probably even from the bad.  I know its there, because we heard people's stories.  But I also know that God is there.  God is there, and God is moving, and God is working.  I want to help God with that work, but I want to do it HIS way, and THEIR way.  Not my way.

I saw hope.  I saw hope in situations that most people I know would roll up in a ball and give up.

I also saw things that made me very sad.  I was heartbroken to see that the amount of fathers engaged in their marriage or children's lives is infinitesimal.  I saw little girls who had no idea what a MAN was like, so they are destined to repeat what their mothers did.  I saw little boys who without direction will grow up and be just like their dads.

But, again, I saw hope.  I met MEN.  I met MEN who may not "get it" on the level I wish they did, but they knew how powerful their role in their family is.  They knew that they represented the hope of their family and their children.  I met MEN that I want to spend more time with.  I want to encourage.  I want to share in their success.  I want to see them win, whatever that means to them.

So what did I do?  I changed.  Just a bit, but an important bit.

This week, I had the privilege of sitting around for a few moments with some men I admire.  One of them I had just met, but I'm pretty smart, and I could tell he was the real deal.  I took a moment, even outside of my own joking self, and just asked those guys to be my friends.  Let's hang out.  Let's talk about guy stuff and encourage one another.  I need that too.

I have thrown myself into learning spanish.  I've started an "Ecuador" line item in our family budget. I'm trying really hard to stop short of trying to fix things (that'll be a lifelong journey), and be more present for those who ask, until they have something they actually want me to help with.

The cynicism?  Some is still there.  A really smart guy told me back in May that, "Bad decisions made with good intentions are still bad decisions."  I think that people, particularly well-meaning people; and even more particularly, well-meaning evangelical Christians--struggle to acknowledge when things need an adjustment or regrouping to stay on task; I think we equally struggle to see the value in things that are not always tangible, not always measurable, but certainly important and present.

I think there are good mission trips.  There's certainly got to be bad ones.  I think there's some non-profits that are horribly run and some for-profits that might do great things.

I know this--I'm completely sold out to Ecuador, and particularly, the work that Compassion International is doing in Ecuador.  The work of Fernando and his family, and his incredible staff, all the way down to the children's center level--incredible, and God sent.

We've ALL got a story.

Growing up in an auto shop environment, there was a fairly hard and fast rule that was ingrained in my brain fairly early--borrow a tool once, no problem; need it twice? No problem.  Need it again--go buy one.  It was (and remains) a pretty good barometer for when a technician needs to know what tools he really needs, and to know when he's overstepping the friendly helpfulness of his coworkers.

Applying that same logic, it's time for me to talk about stories.  In the last few weeks, reference to a person's "story" or testimony has been made several times around me, many tidbits have been shared, and as one captive audience on a long bus ride can attest--give me an audience, and I'll give you a story!  The point is, when a topic continues to swirl around me in different contexts and places, it's probably time to talk about it!

What's the big deal with stories?

Are we looking for sympathy?  Maybe.  Are we proud and bragging?  Maybe.  Are we trying to relate?  Maybe.  Are we seeking help?  Maybe.

If you read through some of this blog's posts, you'll find that I'm pretty adamant about the thought that when it comes to stories, none of us is all that special.  Please understand, though, I make that statement in the context of us feeling sorry for ourselves when things suck; even more dangerous, for thinking that no one else has ever achieved the levels of failure and misery that we might be facing at any given moment.  I use hard hitting statement as a bit of a reality check--for myself and others--because, as I was just reminded again yesterday, our stories are pretty similar.

My exact response when I was told that we all have a similar "story" is that brokenness is an immeasurably powerful equalizer.  I think that's a pretty powerful statement, so I'd encourage you to re-read it.  I'll stop short of calling it brilliant, because that's just being boastful...This equalizing power, I believe, is what makes sharing our stories with one another important.

Have you ever considered how remarkable it is that our military can take a group of kids from 18-25 or so years old, from virtually every walk of life, shove them together in a box of physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual anguish that we call basic training, and inside of weeks, these kids would literally die for one another?  There is an important common denominator when it comes to basic military training, and that is that everyone is equal (and at times some might say that everyone is equally worthless).  This equalization regardless of race, religion, family income, education level, is one of the most powerful tools that our military has at its disposal.  Quite different than brain washing or indoctrination, our young people are made powerful by the power of US instead of the power of ME.

Back to stories, I think that's what makes our stories important--sharing them is an incredible way of connecting at a very core human and spiritual level.  On my recent trip to Ecuador, I was blessed to share stories with a number of different people from several age ranges, walks of life, and even people from a different culture who spoke a different language than me.

What I found was, at our core, I not only had way more in common with these people than I had previously thought, I found that we gave each other strength and hope in sharing, and our bond was strengthened incredibly in the desire to reach out with emotional and spiritual support for one another.

Most importantly, I found that sharing our stories shares the power, love, and authority of the God that we all share and serve.  What better way to worship our Lord than to share stories of deliverance from seemingly unrecoverable circumstances and triumph over adversity?  What better way to high-five God than to credit Him in the presence of others--believers or not--and let His light shine through us?

If you think you don't have a story, be careful.  You might just need to dig a little deeper, and open up a bit.  God might be trying to tell you to let Him work, and you're not getting the message.  I was THAT guy.  I actually, fairly regularly, said OUT LOUD, "I wish I had a story like xxxxx does.  People just about have to listen when you have testimony that powerful."  All the while, I believe God was gently knocking on my heart, and I wasn't listening....I was too hard headed and self righteous to listen to a soft voice, or heed a light course correction.  I had to hit the bottom, dig another hole, and fall a few more times before I opened my heart and brain!

I ended up with one heckuva story.  I tell people often, I don't relish how I got to where I am today, but I sure am glad to be here!

Spend some time listening to others.  Be open.  Be broken.  Be humble.  Be vulnerable.  It makes us real and helps us all grow stronger together.