When we left off a few weeks ago, I vented a bit, and shared some deep thoughts. I ended with a Zig Ziglar video about attitude and perception.
To recap, my challenge was to change your own behavior, and work on allowing your changed behavior to begin to change your thoughts and beliefs.
I hope you've had some time to mull that over, or just out of some combination of faith or desperation decided to give "my" way a whirl.
Here's your next steps outlined, then I'll go back over it.
1.) Continue to INTENTIONALLY change your actions and responses to circumstances around you. If you want to get mad. Be happy. Re-read part one as needed.
2.) PRAY for God to continue to work on your heart and mind, to heal YOU so that you can be a better mate for your spouse.
3.) Make your lists like Zig did in the video
4.) Pray over the lists daily at least twice.
5.) Download / Buy / Checkout at the library / Steal from a friend the book "Love and Respect" by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.
The first part seems pretty obvious, but as we move onto part two, I don't want you to lose focus. You've had two weeks to practice, you've probably had some good days, some bad days, and some, "I give up" days. Remember, you didn't get into your mess in a couple of weeks, you're not going to get out that fast either.
I want to encourage you to continue to pray, to share with others, and to ask them to pray for you, over you, and for your marriage. I again REALLY want to encourage you right now NOT to share specific events or failures about your spouse with others. Instead, pray for you both to have humble and open hearts and minds to eventually work together to make your marriage a happier, more fruitful, and more pleasing to God. If you want to talk about specifics, talk about, but don't dwell on, your own failures. Ask for encouragement in YOU being a better YOU for your spouse.
CHALLENGE: If you are thinking as you read this, "I already do that, " or "I've tried this, " or "Yeah, but..." or "But HE (or SHE)..." then you aren't listening. I am asking you to stop looking for, stop pointing out, and stop dwelling on the failures of your spouse. Find good.
So our excercise, step 3...Make lists. I want you to WRITE down the following...I gave my own examples:
I fell in love with my spouse because: (WRITE Two SPECIFIC sentences)
a.) I fell in love with my wife because she made my heart stop and my stomach hurt when I wasn't around her.
b.) I fell in love with my spouse because she loved me back.
I appreciate most about my spouse:
a.) She keeps up with the kids' schedules and makes sure our house runs smoothly
b.) She gives me grace to do pretty much whatever I want to do, and doesn't ever complain about it!
I think my spouse would appreciate if I...
a.) Had more patience when things don't go as planned
b.) Was willing to do more "boring" stuff around the house, cleaning, organizing, honey-do's.
I wish I was better at...
a.) Listening without trying to solve a problem...just listening and absorbing, and having empathy
b.) Turning off my brain and vegging out. When my brain is stuck on a subject, especially a problem, I struggle to get it out of my head until it's solved/completed/rectified.
Now, if you can't come up with 4 positive things about your spouse and 4 things you think you could do better...then go back and re-read part one, and watch the video again! Pray about it.
Unless you're a total idiot, you didn't get get married on a whim, and even if you did, you felt that something was right. So what was it?
I want you, morning and night, pray affirmation over your lists. I want you, ala Stuart Smalley (I'm good enough...I'm smart enough...) to pray and BE THANKFUL for the things that you fell in love for, and BE THANKFUL for the things you appreciate. BE HUMBLE and ask for God's forgiveness, your spouse's forgiveness, and the ability to forgive yourself for your own shortcomings, but also to continue to improve.
Now that you've got that rolling, buy the book. If you want to know the truth, I haven't read it yet. In fact, I've just recently reignited my desire to read it but have a couple of other books I need to finish first. I did, however, listen to an incredible interview that Dave Ramsey did with the author of the book. I felt like, [with way more smarts and research], the author did an INCREDIBLE job of articulating much of what I've tried to share with other couples. So buy it, and start reading it! https://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1591451876
Now, if you've read this far, you're probably still with me. Do you want to know a secret? I am going to tell you something, and depending on where your heart is right now, you may or may not believe me:
Your spouse hasn't changed. You haven't changed. What has changed in your marriage is your perception of one another, and therefore, your level of both appreciation and grace/patience for one another. That's really it.
SOOOOO many people are looking for the silver bullet. SOOOOOO many people want to know "how did you fix your marriage?" The answer is pretty much never one thing. The problem is pretty much never one thing. Even in relationships with substance abuse, extramarital affairs, deceit, cheating, lying...it really comes back to the core issue of allowing your marriage to sink to a place where you no longer appreciate or have patience for each other.
Second secret? I'm living proof that one person PLUS GOD can change and save a marriage. I changed ME. I allowed God to change ME. I prayed for Heidi's heart, I prayed for my own...but ultimately, I could do nothing except even on my WORST day--change how I respond and react to things. Eventually, a little crack developed in Heidi's defenses, and little by little we regained trust and respect for one another. I don't think the love was ever gone...it was just buried beneath all the crap.
You want to save your marriage? Save yourself. Re-read part one. Watch the video. Read this twice, and start to do it...then hold on for step 3.
Feel free to shoot me confidential email to spe@elmoreland.com , or shoot me a message on Facebook ... I'm happy to respond to questions, give encouragement, add you my personal prayers.
This isn't rocket science, but it's also not easy. Work on you. Enjoy the change. Let your spouse see it. Make it real. It's about you.
No comments:
Post a Comment