If you're going to fight, fight to SAVE your marriage!

I was 7 days from my final orders hearing in my divorce process before my wife decided to speak to me, and attempt to work through our issues.  In the 4 months prior, and in the 4 years since, I reached out to virtually every resource I could, gleaning every bit of useful (and a lot of not useful) information that I could apply to my situation.  This is a beginning of a compilation of that information.

I'm no expert, I'm no counselor, I'm married.  I'm married, and I've probably been where you are if someone has suggested that you read this.  I've been to the brink and BACK, and I'm better for it.  I write with authority because what I did (finally), done for the right reasons, with myself right with God, saved my marriage.  It could save yours.  Lots of other people have heard some of this message.  So far I'm not aware of anyone who was willing to get out of themselves and apply it.  That doesn't make the message wrong; it didn't take 1 day to drive your marriage in the ditch, it's not going to be fixed in a day.

It amazes me that in our incredibly screwed up world, with all the problems that exist, and the blessings that abound for us in abundance, we still manage to make our own lives difficult. Worse, we come home and hurt the people that we are supposed to love the most, those that are supposed to be our biggest allies, fans, and cheerleaders. There is no shortage of hurt, ill will, and damaged relationships among the people that I care about.

I recently told someone I was 0/5 in my efforts to encourage others in their marriages. I guess if you include my marriage, I’m 1/6, or batting .166, so I’m definitely minor league. Or am I?

You want to know what makes me angry? Not my feelings hurt, you stepped on my toe kind of angry; but Jesus in the temple tossing tables over, RIGHTEOUS, PISSED OFF, ANGRY? It’s people asking for advice, and then not being willing to take the advice because it’s too hard. ESPECIALLY when the stakes are as high as they are in a marriage. Nobody has ever reached out to me for advice because they were getting married. Nobody asks for a “what if” in a situation that they might be struggling with. Nope, they want answers when one spouse has one foot out the door (or both) and their life is about to explode…and they want a quick fix, a Band-Aid, and they want it now.

Oh sure, I’m guilty of the same offense…I’m probably 20lbs overweight. There’s no mystery though. If I quit eating ice cream and took that brand new bicycle out for a ride, I could affect some change. If I ate a salad and went for a walk at lunch, I could probably make a difference. I don’t (ok, I rarely) look at people who are fit and say, “What’s their secret?” or “I wish I could be like them.” I COULD be like them, if I did the things they are willing to do. So, don’t play stupid, and don’t be a victim. If you want to be in shape, you have to do the work. If you want a happy marriage—heck, even a manageable marriage—you need to do the work.

Frankly, in hindsight, I’m not 0/5, I did my part. But, I can’t make struggling couples be willing to do the hard things necessary to get their marriages out of the ditch and back on track. ONLY those participating in those relationships can do that. And this is important. REALLY, REALLY, important! Like family tree changing, children impacting, whole world affecting kind of stuff.

Did you know that there are THOUSANDS of books on dealing with divorce? Hundred of them are written from a Christian perspective. There are very few books written on saving a broken marriage. Fewer yet that address the topic with God's enormous role included. While I think that's sad, I also think that it's pretty clear where the market is. Everyone wants to feel better about their divorce, very few are interested in the hard work required to save a marriage in crisis.

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Occasionally, little things come up with my kids, and it will suddenly hit me…I really damaged them. In 4 months of litigation and nearly 8 months of separation from my wife, I messed up my kids’ world view. I made an irreversible impact on their ability to see and process conflict and behavior because of how my wife and I handled our problems. And we survived! We survived and we still screwed up our kids! Granted, we also sent a clear message about dedication, grace, forgiveness, and reunification…a message about a mom’s role and a dad’s role, and the roles of spouses in a marriage—in all, I’d call it at least making the best of a bad situation; but I’m not arrogant or ignorant enough to pretend that I didn’t negatively impact my kids.

So you’re gonna get divorced because it’s “best for the kids?” Ridiculous. Just can’t take it anymore? He/She changed? Seriously? Some of you are on marriage 2.0 or 3.0…is your luck just really that rotten? You just get stuck picking loser spouses--you’re just a victim of destiny? I doubt it, and that’s a BS cop out.

Maybe you did make a bad choice, maybe you married a loser. If you made the additional bad choice of making babies with that person, then you damn well better stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about your kids. Yeah, I’m talking to both of you.

Now that I’m done venting a bit, if you’re still reading, I do want to talk solutions, and I do want to talk about how your situation is pretty much no different than anyone else's.

First, if you haven’t read my original treatise on marriage and divorce, you need to start there. If you have, you should probably reread it.

Second, because it ties right in there, are my my thoughts on forgiveness.

Once you’ve worked through those, preferably after you’re done being mad at me for pointing out the truth, read on.

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You’re *NOT* special. My incredibly astute spouse recently told me, in regard to multiple couples in our life that are past struggling and to the absolute breaking point in their marriage, “It’s weird, I can talk to any of the three of them and they say EXACTLY the same things about their husbands.” Followed by, “I just can’t believe that all three of them could have married EXACTLY the same jerk as each other—obviously this is just what they are seeing through their filter.”

So…ladies if you believe that your husband:

• Doesn’t communicate well / Doesn’t listen 
• Belittles you / Talks down to you / is condescending 
• Tries to control you
• Doesn’t show affection for you
• Doesn’t care about the marriage.

And guys…if you say your wife 

• Wastes money 
• Wastes time doing things that are unimportant 
• Doesn’t appreciate you / Doesn’t see your efforts to make her happy 
• Doesn’t respect your opinion 
• I want to talk means “I want to complain” 
• Wants a fairy tale marriage 

You are all in good company. We could add in complaints about alcohol or drug use, overbearing in-laws, and friends that you love to hate. You’re normal-ish. You’re not healthy, but you’re pretty normal. So now what?

The first thing is, put all that crap aside for now. You’re not at a point in your relationship to be working on those kind of specifics. I try SO hard to not allow people to bring me specifics. Why? Because they don’t matter. Not right now. He said mean things. She spent $500 on a pair of shoes. He would rather go to a football game than be with me. She complains to her sister about me all the time. Blah blah blah. When you want to discuss the specifics of your partner’s wrongdoing, in my opinion you are doing nothing more than trying to be right. If you think you can make your partner WRONG enough to fix your marriage, then stop reading and go find a better way to use your time.

How many times has Dr. Phil asked people? C’mon, you know the cliché… “Do you want to be RIGHT, or do you want to be happy?”

If you can get over yourself for a few minutes, step outside of the hurt and hate and anger that has replaced your infatuation and love for your spouse, keep on reading.

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I'm pretty sure it was Gandhi that said, “Your beliefs become your thoughts, your thoughts become your words, your words become your actions…” While I don’t disagree that there is a logical connection, I believe that explaining behavior that way is not only simplistic; it’s kind of dangerous and fatalistic. Many people accept the concept that in order to change behavior, you have to start by changing beliefs. I disagree.

I believe that every day, every human furthers their experiences, which in some way influences their beliefs, thoughts, and actions. I believe that there is a complicated relationship between the three, and that if Gandhi’s philosophical quip falls short, it’s in assuming that we must first seek to change one’s beliefs before behavior can change. I’ll say again, I disagree. Especially in the context of marriage. I think that the B-T-A cycle can be influenced in any or all of those facets, but that ACTIONS are much easier to change than beliefs and thoughts, at least initially. You can change actions right now. You want to know how? Do something different than what you’re currently doing. There you go, you’re welcome. That’s it. Pretty profound, huh?

It’s no secret that I’m a recovered drunk, and that I spent more than my fair share of time in 12 step recovery type programs. One of the concepts that I really have stolen and made my own is the idea of “Fake it ‘til you make it”. I’ve argued and debated the idea with others, some who simply believe that “faking” it is just setting yourself up for failure in the future. ** I ** think that faking it is setting yourself up for the win, even before your will – your thoughts and beliefs are on board! In the context of drinking—if I wake up today and want a drink…Gandhi says I’m going to drink. I say, just don’t! If I make it through today, maybe I can try again tomorrow. And the next day. And after that. Eventually, I believe that my actions will influence my thoughts which will influence my beliefs to exactly the point that I in fact got to—I got to the point that I BELIEVED I *don’t* need a drink, so I thought that, so I didn’t. But it started by changing my actions.

Nifty neato huh? But how does my example have anything to do with marriage? It has everything to do with marriage! Attempts, failures, changing behaviors…sound familiar? Let’s get back on point.

First, Humble yourself before God. Regardless of outcome, you’ll be better equipped in the future if you can be right with Him. I believe that it is impossible for you to reflect God's love onto your spouse if you are separated from God. I also believe that if you are harboring ill will, anger, and resentment for your spouse instead of forgiving and giving those feelings to God, that you are separating yourself from Him and his redeeming grace and love.

The next HUGE thing that you can do for YOU and your marriage is to change your actions.

Change your response, change your actions. Flip it upside down if you need to. You think your wife is bat-crap crazy? Agree with her. Husband comes home and wants to flop on the couch and not listen to your problems? Bring him a cold drink and ask about his day. Stop thinking about you. ESPECIALLY stop thinking about yourself like a victim. Start looking at how YOU can make your spouse’s day better, and then do it. Pretty crazy huh?

But, I already tried that, I’m done. No, you didn’t. Not long enough, not sincerely enough, and not without an ulterior motive. You tried it as a manipulation, as a technique to get what you want. Or, you tried it as an attempt to fulfill what you already decided—that your spouse is wrong, you're a victim, and what's the point. What I’m suggesting is a philosophical change that makes someone other than you the center of your world.

If I ask enough questions, or sometimes even get to observe, too often it’s clear that spouses will change up their actions just long enough to prove that their spouse didn’t notice. Yeah, that’s you. You’re still not unique, I’ve watched us all (myself included) do it. It’s called being “in the box,” and some really smart people wrote a book about it.

I believe that every marriage is in grave danger of getting stuck in a spiraling rut where appreciation, affection, and eventually love dwindle to a point of nearly unrecoverable failure. The book, Leadership and Self-Deception, was written to help leaders understand how they allow their own biases and experiences to stifle growth and create failure in organizations—at times even allowing them to act outside of what they intellectually know is a correct way of handling a situation. The book discusses the concept of being, “In the Box” with someone…It’s a concept incredibly relevant to ALL relationships, especially a marriage!

Let me sum the concept up for you: if I am in the box with my spouse, she can do no right. She does not care about my feelings, she doesn’t respect me, and she is the reason we are having a problem. I probably got IN the box for legitimate reasons, and it probably didn’t happen overnight. Lots of unresolved conflict over the course of years, lots of experiences, lots of disappointments; lots of proof and validation that I am right, and that my feelings are justified.

The most dangerous part of being in the box, however, is failing to see the good faith efforts that others are making. Once you are IN…you can’t see anything good in another. You’re a victim, they are the perpetrator, and even if you see something good, it’s looked upon with suspicious and distrust. I have a fairly crass way of describing this situation—I’ve often said, “Her husband could crap gold bars and instead of her celebrating her newfound wealth, she’d complain to her friends about her husband’s bowel problems!”

What a horrific tragedy it would be if you and your spouse are both working on doing the right things separately but one or both of you are too angry or hurt or whatever to notice that the other is trying as hard as you are! Don’t sabotage your attempts by failing to be willing to see your partner’s efforts!

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So now you’re thinking, ok, I would maybe give that a whirl…BUT. Everyone has a but (and a butt). We get to this point of the conversation, and I hear, “Well that’s all fine and good, BUT…”

Seriously…I’ve heard it. Just yesterday, I heard, yeah, but what would you do if, “XXXXX”. Same thing. “Oh yeah? but my wife cheated on me.” Same thing. “He got arrested and will be in jail for 3 months.” Same thing. “She lost her job and I don’t know how we’re going to pay bills!” Same thing.

If you aren’t willing to let that stuff go, why are you reading this?

Let me restate an earlier point—you are not going to make your spouse WRONG ENOUGH to fix your marriage. If you can’t get past whatever your, “Yeah, but…” is, then you are not going to succeed. The good news is, you don’t have to get past it all at once. So, since your way clearly hasn't been working, why not give my way a whirl? My marriage may not all be rainbows and unicorns, but it's solid, and my wife and I communicate on a level now that I never thought was possible.

Remember? We are going to change actions first, and let your actions influence your thoughts and beliefs. I believe without a doubt, the influence will be strong if you are willing to be consistent and faithful in creating change in your actions.

Right now, this isn't about changing your spouse. This is about you. It's not about your hurts and wrongs—it's about what you can do to make your spouse have a better day.

Put another way, a wise person told me today as we discussed this—it's time to celebrate the little wins, the little victories, but focus on EVERY positive, and do it in a genuine way.

In the same way that one trip to a gym isn't going to undo 2 years worth of ice cream in my belly, one day of trying really hard to do pretty much everything differently than you have been doing isn't going to stick the first time you try, and you're probably not going to see results in the first 24 hours. But, it also didn't take just 24 hours to get to this point in your relationship either, did it?

I'm going to close today with this very classic video of Zig Ziglar describing his conversation with a woman who hated her job. She couldn't think of ANYTHING good to say about it, much like you probably can't think of anything nice to say about your spouse right now. As you think about the idea of finding ALL the good in your spouse, watch this video, and see if it doesn't give you an ounce or two of perspective.  

• The marriages that I am speaking of are Christian marriages that are covenants made with God and family.
• God wants these marriages to succeed.
• Some of the concepts I talk about might be beyond your current capabilities—that's where God comes in.
• If you think you can change your spouse, you're wrong.
• If you think your spouse has changed since you got married, you're wrong.
• If you think divorcing your spouse is going to simplify your life or make you suddenly happy, you're wrong.
• If you think that your marriage is worth the effort to repair, you probably can.
• QUIT HIDING YOUR MARRIAGE PROBLEMS. Share them, and ask others to join you in prayer. Don't share specifics--they aren't relevant, share the struggle, and ask for support.