More John Wayne and Jesus...

Oh...the things that get my mind churning.  A good friend of mine shares his daily devotional reading, sometimes with some commentary by text message each morning.  A few days ago, it was Proverbs 1:7, "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge; but fools despise wisdom and instruction."  Followed by, quoting the character Mattie Ross to Marshal Rooster Cogburn (the movie), "What have you gained when you have bested a fool?"

All the spinning together...a sermon about getting out of your comfort zone in order to do God's work.  Not questioning what you don't know, but obeying what you do, and giving God the space to do the rest.

Ever walk into someone's house and wonder how they deal with that SMELL? Or pull into your driveway and see stuff in your neighbor's yard that is an eyesore and has been there for months? Easy, right? We've all been there. But, most of us are not aware enough to notice those same issues in our own houses.

In two very unique and seemingly different ways, one business and one personal, I've been experiencing this on an extreme level lately. I feel a blog post coming on...


A story about my Pastor's experience as a young man with a woman from another Christian denomination who treated him like a leper because his church had...gasp...MUSIC!  A reminder of the confusion of growing up in a methodist church and a fundamentalist southern baptist school.  (Thanks mom and dad, you WONDER why I'm messed up?)  A reminder that we're all messed up.  Reminders of my days freshly sober, listening to the "Me Too" message at another local church.  Realizing, that my screw ups are no more righteous and no less sinful than the next guy.  Remembering, for some reason, the men's breakfast I went to a week after Heidi left me, literally crying out for help, and watching these guys, some of them married 10, 20, 30 and more years, talk about their marriage like it was a joke.  Everything funny.  One big sitcom.  I left SO angry and discouraged.

Realizing that pride, arrogance, and ego are all exhibited differently by different people, but that in all of us, they block the relationship with God that I've spent nearly all my life seeking.

A phone call from a friend who recently was destroyed by a divorce.  Another friend dealing with work problems in a very public arena, diligently trying to do the right thing.  A request for an opinion from another, a request for assistance.

My divorced friend was introduced to me very shortly after Heidi and I halted the legal process (a week before our divorce was to be final, for those of you who don't know) and started trying to put things back together.  He had been down a similar path as me...some substance abuse issues, lack of paying attention at home, complacent, lazy, husband-ship...until his wife left.  I remember the first time we talked, how ANGRY he was, what a victim he was, and how wrong she was to do this to him.  Basically, he was ME, 6 months earlier, and I was looking in a mirror at all the denial and anger and hurt and pride that destroyed my marriage.

I made it clear that I was not one to provide advice.  We connected on a lot of levels, and I think at least on the surface, he was genuinely interested in what I had to say.  The only advice I had was BE WRONG!  Be ok being WRONG! Be humble, be WRONG!  Not be a doormat, at least not for long, but be WRONG until you and her both believe you.  It hurts, it hurts like hell.  It SUCKS, especially when, as happened to both of us, those admissions of being wrong get used against you in court, and are used like weapons to attack to the very core of a man--and take his children away.  Yeah, it sucked.  Bad.  Bad, bad. Bad.  I haven't decided yet if I'll ever go back and look at my facebook archives from that period in my life.  I saved them.  I even backed them up just in case.  Not for any purpose other than this--to remind me.  To remind ME how my arrogant, stubborn, ass of a self could take something so incredible and foul it up so badly.

My friend may read this blog, so I'm not saying anything I wouldn't say to him...and I'm curious if he'll ever be able to dig deep and consider that what I'm about to say is as true for him as it was for me...Fighting to be right nearly cost me everything, and did cost him virtually everything.

I don't remember the exact topic...but I know we had a long conversation one time about what his attorney wanted him to do, and his conflict with what he thought was the RIGHT thing to do.  His attorney won.  The attorney won that battle with him, and won all the way to the bank, taking my friend's money, while encouraging him to fight for what he was "entitled" to, instead of fighting for what was right.  A chance to suck it up and swallow some pride ended in a war that was waged in battles that sound like they were so fierce, even when he won, he lost.  And he lost.  His marriage.  His kids.  His bank accounts.  Somewhere along the line, his job.  His house.  The equity from the house that used to be theirs.  Bad advice.  Choices.  Consequences.

I don't know if his marriage could have been saved.  I don't know details, and I never knew his wife.  But I know that fighting for stuff, fighting to fight, and fighting to win for only the sake of ensuring someone else LOSES...that never, EVER has a good end.  Thankfully, I got my butt spiritually, financially, emotionally, kicked hard enough fairly early in that game, that I decided the only fight I wanted to take on was fighting to attempt to save my marriage.  Those of you who were around though, you know I didn't come to that conclusion without a lot of guidance, and a LOT of self-inflicted pain and misery!

My opinion, because of pride, anger, hurt, arrogance, and lack of obedience to God.  The same stuff that puts us all down the wrong road.  I don't care if you're a drunk, and adulterer, just a mean bitter person, or if you think you've got it all together.  Your looking down your nose at my problems is just as screwed up as the problem I'm facing.

BOOM!  Like a ton of bricks, I hung up the phone with him and it hit me...Heidi and I haven't been all rainbows and unicorns lately.  I've been distracted, aloof, irritable, selfish...all those things I busted my ass to do to prove to her our marriage was the (second) most important thing in my life...I sure made those a big deal 18 months ago.  What about now?  I believe I'm looking into that distant mirror again...

That's a reality check.

My fingers are tired, but suffice it to say, that almost the exact same thing has happened, in the SAME WEEK on a business level.  I've had the opportunity to explore and be quite vocal about the warts, shortcomings, and disappointments in a friend of mine's business.  I've attempted to (mostly) respectfully try to offer up suggestions and useful commentary, but also realized just how easy it is to be critical of the issues in somebody else's house.  The solutions are black and white, the problems are distinct and just require action.  Come on, ACT!

I thought about that a lot last night and this morning.  I'm thankful God put it on my heart to actually put things in the perspective of MY marriage, of MY business, and then rethink them.

Funny, the solutions get grayer, the problems get less definitive, the action more difficult.

I spent a lot of time trying really hard to apply this "lens" to my business today.  There were, and will continue to be, some ugly things that need to be addressed.  Some conversations that aren't fun, some situations I really didn't want to acknowledge, let alone deal with.  But, I'm proud to say I started.  I started, and was up front with my guys as to why I'm stirring things up when they are pretty good...it's because I want us to be REALLY good.  I need to stir up my marriage a bit too, have some fun...so I'm going to do that this week too.

One of my favorite quotes has always been an old Will Rogers quote...often attributed to my dad, (because I write all his material! haha!) "Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."  So...some days we'll back up and re-evaluate, some days we'll charge forward, and others, we'll just plod along happy that we're here.  I'm good with that.

I texted my friend a couple of times today, he never responded.  He might have been busy applying action...or he might have just been plain pissed off at my simplistic, easy, solutions to all that woes his world.  I hope he calls me soon, though.  I truly want to thank him for accelerating this very positive journey for me, and offer him some encouragement and support on his!  Perspective is a very powerful tool.

Next time you see your neighbor's trash can out front three days after the trash comes (don't send him a letter, THANKS P.R. HOA), there's no problem offering to take it back behind the fence for him...but you probably want to check and make sure yours hasn't been sitting there even longer...

Blessings,
Scott

On marriage, and divorce...

Do you remember seeing that special on television a few weeks ago, the one with the couple who had been married for 75 years?  Do you remember what they said the secret was?  The husband said, "We must have just been lucky," and the wife, cute as she was from her little rocking chair said, "Well, you know, things just used to be easier."  Do you remember that?

No, of course you don't.  It never happened.  It never will happen.  In my entire life, I don't recall ever hearing a single person celebrating an anniversary saying, "Whew!  We must have gotten an easy one to get this far!"  No.  Never has, and never will.

Before I go further, there are currently at least three of my facebook friends who are in the process of, or contemplating divorce--numerous more are divorced, divorced and remarried, or never married and completely disenfranchised on the thought of relationships.  I'm not talking about any of you, (or maybe I'm talking about all of you) but no one in particular.  If your feelings are easily hurt, or you're going to get all wadded up, you probably better stop reading now.  That said, I have very few friends who expect anything less than both barrels when The Things Scott Thinks About start bubbling to the surface.

I don't have it all figured out, and I'm not trying to approach this from any kind of a self-righteous, "Bessie Better Than You," perspective, I'm just thinking, and you're reading.  Maybe you'll start thinking too.

Since I got out of the way and started letting God put my nearly derailed marriage back on track, I've had a lot of people come to me for advice.  Everyone wants to know, "the thing".  They want to know how Heidi and I made it work, when we were so close to it all being over.  (Remember, it was four or five days before our divorce would have been final that Heidi signed the motion to dismiss)  I've been quizzed so much on this in the last year, that I've got the format of my response down pretty well.

First, I tell EVERYONE that I'm the last person qualified to give advice.  Then, I offer to give specifics on my circumstances, and let them draw conclusions.  I tend to spend a lot of time on the revelations I had, which basically were: 1.) I couldn't have a proper and healthy relationship with anyone else until I had a proper and healthy relationship with God.  2.) I am pretty much a selfish, self-absorbed, judgmental, jerk, and 3.) I had to decide if I wanted to be "right", or if I wanted to be married.  Fact is, I ate a lot of crap sandwiches in putting our marriage back together.  In the beginning, I took the blame for about everything.  Was it all my fault?  No, of course not, but at the time, reminding the person who was completely done with me of her faults was probably not going to win me any favor.

That's about it.  That's my three things.  I usually get some mixed reaction of admiration and disbelief, followed by, "yeah, that's cool things worked out for you guys, but our situation is way different."  It turns out, most people who ask me for advice don't really want advice anyway--so I don't get a lot of objections when I refuse to offer it.  The reality is, they generally want validation--they want to be right.

I spent a few months in that spot myself--whining to many of you who are reading this.  Telling all who would listen about how much I'd changed and how unfairly I was being treated.  Yup, I've been there.

Takes one to know one?  Yeah, I know it when I see it.

You know what I wish someone had told me, I wish they had beat into my head, I wish they were there through it all to remind me??

Marriage is damn hard.  It takes a crap ton of work, and a whole lot of give a damn.  It's hard, it's sometimes not fun, and, between me and you, sometimes it SUCKS!

You think YOUR situation is special?  You think YOU are that different?  Well, that's a selfish, self-absorbed view.  You know what?  I bet if you asked Mr. and Mrs. 75th anniversary, they'd tell you they had some days like that.  Maybe some years.  Maybe some infidelity.  Maybe some ugly fights.  Maybe some pain in the ass relatives who seemed determined to drive a wedge between them.  Mr. and Mrs. 75th anniversary dealt with all the same things you did.  I find it really disrespectful to those who've worked hard to get there to assume anything different.  They WORKED for it, they dealt with what you're dealing with.  They valued it enough to work hard enough to make it work.

I thought everything about my situation was special too.  Guess what.  I'm not all that special, and neither are you.  Work for it.  I have been to 12 step meetings all across the front range, and listened to people from 18 to 78 tell their story.  You know what?  Their story is my story.  Change a few details, but it's all the same.

I've read at least 10 books on marriage, relationships, divorce, separation, all in the last year.  You know what?  The advice varies, but the stories are all the same.  I'm not special.  You're not special. Marriage is damn hard.  You get to choose if you want to work for it or not.

Nobody told me that, not that way.  I don't think anyone ever told Heidi either.  I know that many of those standing behind me, even many of those praying for me, those feeling bad for me, those supporting Heidi in her decision to leave...lots of well intentioned, good Christian folks--not many told me what I needed to hear, and I don't think anyone in Heidi's circle of influence was telling her either--Marriage is hard.  Damn hard.  Suck it up, go deal with it, go be married.

The most common thing I hear is how much someone, or something, changed, so they are gonna just move on.  "We've just grown apart".  "We just want different things".  Even, "We don't want to fight in front of the kids anymore".

In the last year, I think I've heard them all.  This week, I heard the cake-taker--"Eh, we gave it a good go, but we're just gonna split up and try to be friends for the kids' sake."  What??  That's really what we've relegated commitment to in our society--marriage is about as sacred as an elementary school kickball game that didn't go the way someone wanted.  "We tried."

Wow.

Heidi and I used to watch the show, "Parenthood" on tv.  It was kinda cute, hit on some tough issues, but was fairly wholesome at first.  Then, it got a little too real for me, and somewhere along the line I didn't watch it anymore.

For some reason, in the last couple of weeks, I've caught a few episodes, and it's been very close to home.  I generally get into tv shows to knowing character's names, but the hot lawyer girl and her husband have been split up for a season or two.  Now, their divorce is becoming final.  Her husband goes to his father-in-law (Craig T. Nelson's character), to tell him goodbye, and I guess thank him for all the good times.  F-I-L was having none of that.  In what I wish I could find online so I could link it and quote it, Craig T. Nelson gives the advice that every dad, every mom, every friend, every ANYONE who cares about marriage should give, "Don't give up, FIGHT for your marriage!"  "FIGHT!"  Probably the best 10 seconds of network tv in the last decade.  FIGHT!  FIGHT! FIGHT!

For 10 seconds, instead of portraying the idiot husband drinking with his friends, talking about how she's taking him for all his stuff; the idiot husband with his new 10 year younger girlfriend; the husband who gives up and never sees his kids because he has to deal with "her".  For 10 seconds, there was a brief revival of the ultimate family value.  FIGHT for your marriage.  Stop fighting WITH her and fight FOR her!

Why are we coddling our friends?  Why are we validating our loved ones?  Why do we stand up in people's weddings, vowing along with them to support their marriage and their commitment, and then turn around and say, "Yeah, he's a real bum," or "I'm sure she's tough to live with".  Tell them to FIGHT!

You know, there are times, and I think it was Dr. Laura I heard years ago who had her three A's.  Addiction, Abuse, Adultery.  Three legitimate reasons to end a marriage.  Maybe.  Safety first, always, don't be stupid.  After that, I guess it depends.  Maybe?  Maybe it depends if one is committed to changing those things, maybe.

Thankfully, I know of only a few relationships close to me that ended due to physical abuse, so leave them out of this discussion, but I also know this:  100% of marriages that I've seen fail have failed because at least one of the two parties in the marriage didn't want to work hard enough to make it work.

PERIOD.  Sometimes one person fighting hard enough can bring the other around.  Sometimes not.  100% of the time, if you don't try, you fail.

Many of you know that I finally accepted the fact that I was getting divorced, but I did not stop fighting.  I knew that if I stopped, I was guaranteed to be divorced.  If I didn't stop, there was some chance that I might not be.  Given my seemingly impossibly unavoidable outcome, there were a lot of times I wanted to give up, just let go.  But then God would reach down and nudge me, FIGHT!

Thank GOD that I had a few AWESOME people behind me--people I would never have thought would become my champions, who told me, FIGHT!

Maybe our generation is too burned up and burned out.  Maybe we're all too cynical and jaded.  But I know what I'm going to tell my kids, and anyone else who will ever listen:  Marriage is hard, and you have to WORK and FIGHT to make it work.  Do it!

When the day comes that some dude with a bad haircut who dresses funny tells me he wants to marry my daughter, we're gonna have a talk.  We're gonna have a talk about work.  I'm gonna tell him the truth.  I'm gonna tell him marriage is HARD.  I'm going to video tape it, and I'm going to share it with him and my daughter when things get hard.  I'm going to tell them to FIGHT!  I'm going to tell them to FIGHT for each other, not with each other.

FIGHT!