I'm starting to think that there is not much original thought left in this world. Not that we aren't trying, but everytime I think I'm clever and I've really got a great fresh idea to pass on, Google jumps in and ruins it.
Holy cow, how can I plagiarize some dude I've never heard of, on some website I didn't know existed? Well, that kinda flows right along with my thoughts on stories--we're really not all that different, and it turns out, we share a lot of thoughts and feelings.
I was googling to try to get some insight on some of the thoughts I had before Heidi and I went on our Compassion trip to Ecuador. As it turns out, I'm shockingly not the first person to be cynical about the idea of short term mission trips. Even more shocking, there was a [name redacted for security purposes] big time cynic on my trip with me! Wow!
A few years ago after hitting some roadblocks in what I *thought* was a great local ministry idea, helping people who couldn't afford decent transportation get some, I was encouraged to read the book, "Toxic Charity". I'd encourage you to read it as well. The subtitle is "How Churches and Charities Hurt Those They Help." WOW. That was eye opening. Americans, particularly American Christians, are very good at seeing a need, and very good at rallying support for a cause. What we apparently really lack, is the ability to move from catalyst to sustainability. A major disconnect, it would seem, is our desire to impose our will on people who never asked for it in the first place! A second, would be the foreseeable, yet often ignored, consequences of the changes being made.
Let's get some specific cynical stuff out of the way first:
1.) For the group of 15 of us to take part in this trip, approximately $45,000 was raised/spent on travel and expenses. I'm no developing country scholar, but my math tells me that this amount of money could go a long way without my international flight costs digging into it. You get the idea, the money was a real struggle for me. Not raising it, not giving it up to go, but I couldn't help but feel like a bit of an arrogant jerk to be spending that kind of coin to go first hand and gawk at people who were struggling for bare necessities.
2.) Work projects: I chose my trip, or allowed it to choose me, because I felt something a little mysterious brewing under the surface. We weren't painting a church, we weren't building a house, we weren't digging a well...we were just going to be present. That appealed very much to me. See, cynical me believes that painters should paint, and builders should build, and well drillers should drill--I come from a construction background, and I can assure you--every time I've had a well-intention-ed but unskilled person want to "help", my projects take longer, frustrate me more, and too often end up completed in a substandard way. Besides, if unemployment or underemployment is a major issue in an area, why the heck would I be down there working for free instead of taking some of my mission money and hiring some local laborers to do the same thing? Hmmm.
3.) What am I going to do anyway? Since we weren't building something, and I doubted that the majority of the folks we would contact would be running a business and desirous of my vast management skills to be consulted upon, what the heck was I going to do for a week in a country where I BARELY understand the language, and know nothing of the culture?
As I listened to our incredible host, Fernando Puga describe what he felt was effective and what was NOT effective, I had a thought that had never crossed my mind before. Fernando described a strong desire to shift from transactional or stuff based mission work to transformational or thought based work. (Note: this is my debrief of my experience, I don't speak for Fernando, nor do I articulate nearly as well as he does--but I think we connected on his goals.) Fernando described well the well intended, yet often short-sighted programs and projects that have taken place around the world, and then described why long-term, those programs or projects failed. Fernando instructed us that the best thing that we could do is be present, be loving, and be encouraging. Encourage dreams, relate to people like a person. Laugh, cry, hug, love. Open our minds past our American solutions to problems that are not American problems. Hmmm...seemed a little open ended.
Somewhere in the midst of Fernando's presentation, my mind trailed off a bit. I started thinking of things I hadn't. Suddenly, even some of the positive thoughts I had didn't seem so positive. A word popped into my head that hadn't been spoken, but it just connected--Imperialism. (Turns out, I thought my clever coining of the phrase Imperialistic Mission Trips was original--nope. Google that, and you'll find a bunch of other clever people who thought they were original too.) Even in our best intentions, we sometimes fail to understand that others don't necessarily want what we want, or want to be how we are.
I came back to the conversation somewhere around the time that Fernando was explaining that he wanted our visit to be about relationships. Don't be seen as a dollar sign, a handout, Santa Claus, an ATM. There were numerous examples, and somewhere in there, I realized that God had definitely led me to the right trip, with the right leadership. Interesting.
So...since we returned, I've been asked two things (mostly). 1.) How was your trip? 2.) What did you do?
Well, how was our trip? Indescribable. Incredible. Life changing, humbling, and inspiring. Frankly, a better answer is this: Heidi and I are going back in October. Yeah, like in 3 months. I knew shortly after we had arrived that there was a draw to this region that was about more than just this one trip. I don't really know what that means yet, and certainly don't know what the future holds, but I can assure you that absent some serious sign from God, Ecuador, and specifically the town of Echeandia, Bolivar province, is now a part of my family's story, and will continue to be.
What did we do? Nothing. Everything. We were told to take notes and keep a journal. I don't follow direction very well. More truthfully, I don't process deep emotion and thought quickly, at least not to the point that I'm willing to commit it to paper. I made a few notes and mostly started thinking through this blog post. Here it is. More will come later, out of order, in jagged pieces just like the best memories do, but for now, this is my story of what we did.
We met people. Lots of people, lots of mothers and children. We were greeted like long-lost family, even though nobody knew us. I got more hugs and kisses in an hour than I've had in a year. We saw accomplishment. We saw pride. We saw hard work, and we saw some of the effects of the recent earthquake. We saw abject poverty. I saw structures that people called homes that would not even meet standards for those of us who like to "rough it" in the woods.
What I didn't see? Self-pity. Anger. Disdain. Greed. A word that came to mind almost immediately after my first home visit was, "CONTENT." Not one time did I spend time with anyone who asked us to pray for more things, or a nicer house, or more clothes, or a bigger tv. Health, enough work to pay the bills. That's pretty much what people asked for. People who after showing me their house with no windows and no running water and half a dozen people in it insisted that I take their gift of 30lbs of oranges or other fruit. People willing to share, willing to give.
What did I see? I saw generosity. I saw goodness. I saw thankfulness.
Quickly, almost before I realized, I looked past what I saw as an American--no a/c, no running water, no convection oven (no oven), and I saw people. I saw God's people. I saw good.
Oh sure, it's not all peaches and rainbows. Of course we were sheltered from the worst of the worst, and probably even from the bad. I know its there, because we heard people's stories. But I also know that God is there. God is there, and God is moving, and God is working. I want to help God with that work, but I want to do it HIS way, and THEIR way. Not my way.
I saw hope. I saw hope in situations that most people I know would roll up in a ball and give up.
I also saw things that made me very sad. I was heartbroken to see that the amount of fathers engaged in their marriage or children's lives is infinitesimal. I saw little girls who had no idea what a MAN was like, so they are destined to repeat what their mothers did. I saw little boys who without direction will grow up and be just like their dads.
But, again, I saw hope. I met MEN. I met MEN who may not "get it" on the level I wish they did, but they knew how powerful their role in their family is. They knew that they represented the hope of their family and their children. I met MEN that I want to spend more time with. I want to encourage. I want to share in their success. I want to see them win, whatever that means to them.
So what did I do? I changed. Just a bit, but an important bit.
This week, I had the privilege of sitting around for a few moments with some men I admire. One of them I had just met, but I'm pretty smart, and I could tell he was the real deal. I took a moment, even outside of my own joking self, and just asked those guys to be my friends. Let's hang out. Let's talk about guy stuff and encourage one another. I need that too.
I have thrown myself into learning spanish. I've started an "Ecuador" line item in our family budget. I'm trying really hard to stop short of trying to fix things (that'll be a lifelong journey), and be more present for those who ask, until they have something they actually want me to help with.
The cynicism? Some is still there. A really smart guy told me back in May that, "Bad decisions made with good intentions are still bad decisions." I think that people, particularly well-meaning people; and even more particularly, well-meaning evangelical Christians--struggle to acknowledge when things need an adjustment or regrouping to stay on task; I think we equally struggle to see the value in things that are not always tangible, not always measurable, but certainly important and present.
I think there are good mission trips. There's certainly got to be bad ones. I think there's some non-profits that are horribly run and some for-profits that might do great things.
I know this--I'm completely sold out to Ecuador, and particularly, the work that Compassion International is doing in Ecuador. The work of Fernando and his family, and his incredible staff, all the way down to the children's center level--incredible, and God sent.
Showing posts with label arrogance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label arrogance. Show all posts
Friday, July 8, 2016
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
More John Wayne and Jesus...
Oh...the things that get my mind churning. A good friend of mine shares his daily devotional reading, sometimes with some commentary by text message each morning. A few days ago, it was Proverbs 1:7, "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge; but fools despise wisdom and instruction." Followed by, quoting the character Mattie Ross to Marshal Rooster Cogburn (the movie), "What have you gained when you have bested a fool?"
All the spinning together...a sermon about getting out of your comfort zone in order to do God's work. Not questioning what you don't know, but obeying what you do, and giving God the space to do the rest.
In two very unique and seemingly different ways, one business and one personal, I've been experiencing this on an extreme level lately. I feel a blog post coming on...
A story about my Pastor's experience as a young man with a woman from another Christian denomination who treated him like a leper because his church had...gasp...MUSIC! A reminder of the confusion of growing up in a methodist church and a fundamentalist southern baptist school. (Thanks mom and dad, you WONDER why I'm messed up?) A reminder that we're all messed up. Reminders of my days freshly sober, listening to the "Me Too" message at another local church. Realizing, that my screw ups are no more righteous and no less sinful than the next guy. Remembering, for some reason, the men's breakfast I went to a week after Heidi left me, literally crying out for help, and watching these guys, some of them married 10, 20, 30 and more years, talk about their marriage like it was a joke. Everything funny. One big sitcom. I left SO angry and discouraged.
Realizing that pride, arrogance, and ego are all exhibited differently by different people, but that in all of us, they block the relationship with God that I've spent nearly all my life seeking.
A phone call from a friend who recently was destroyed by a divorce. Another friend dealing with work problems in a very public arena, diligently trying to do the right thing. A request for an opinion from another, a request for assistance.
My divorced friend was introduced to me very shortly after Heidi and I halted the legal process (a week before our divorce was to be final, for those of you who don't know) and started trying to put things back together. He had been down a similar path as me...some substance abuse issues, lack of paying attention at home, complacent, lazy, husband-ship...until his wife left. I remember the first time we talked, how ANGRY he was, what a victim he was, and how wrong she was to do this to him. Basically, he was ME, 6 months earlier, and I was looking in a mirror at all the denial and anger and hurt and pride that destroyed my marriage.
I made it clear that I was not one to provide advice. We connected on a lot of levels, and I think at least on the surface, he was genuinely interested in what I had to say. The only advice I had was BE WRONG! Be ok being WRONG! Be humble, be WRONG! Not be a doormat, at least not for long, but be WRONG until you and her both believe you. It hurts, it hurts like hell. It SUCKS, especially when, as happened to both of us, those admissions of being wrong get used against you in court, and are used like weapons to attack to the very core of a man--and take his children away. Yeah, it sucked. Bad. Bad, bad. Bad. I haven't decided yet if I'll ever go back and look at my facebook archives from that period in my life. I saved them. I even backed them up just in case. Not for any purpose other than this--to remind me. To remind ME how my arrogant, stubborn, ass of a self could take something so incredible and foul it up so badly.
My friend may read this blog, so I'm not saying anything I wouldn't say to him...and I'm curious if he'll ever be able to dig deep and consider that what I'm about to say is as true for him as it was for me...Fighting to be right nearly cost me everything, and did cost him virtually everything.
I don't remember the exact topic...but I know we had a long conversation one time about what his attorney wanted him to do, and his conflict with what he thought was the RIGHT thing to do. His attorney won. The attorney won that battle with him, and won all the way to the bank, taking my friend's money, while encouraging him to fight for what he was "entitled" to, instead of fighting for what was right. A chance to suck it up and swallow some pride ended in a war that was waged in battles that sound like they were so fierce, even when he won, he lost. And he lost. His marriage. His kids. His bank accounts. Somewhere along the line, his job. His house. The equity from the house that used to be theirs. Bad advice. Choices. Consequences.
I don't know if his marriage could have been saved. I don't know details, and I never knew his wife. But I know that fighting for stuff, fighting to fight, and fighting to win for only the sake of ensuring someone else LOSES...that never, EVER has a good end. Thankfully, I got my butt spiritually, financially, emotionally, kicked hard enough fairly early in that game, that I decided the only fight I wanted to take on was fighting to attempt to save my marriage. Those of you who were around though, you know I didn't come to that conclusion without a lot of guidance, and a LOT of self-inflicted pain and misery!
My opinion, because of pride, anger, hurt, arrogance, and lack of obedience to God. The same stuff that puts us all down the wrong road. I don't care if you're a drunk, and adulterer, just a mean bitter person, or if you think you've got it all together. Your looking down your nose at my problems is just as screwed up as the problem I'm facing.
BOOM! Like a ton of bricks, I hung up the phone with him and it hit me...Heidi and I haven't been all rainbows and unicorns lately. I've been distracted, aloof, irritable, selfish...all those things I busted my ass to do to prove to her our marriage was the (second) most important thing in my life...I sure made those a big deal 18 months ago. What about now? I believe I'm looking into that distant mirror again...
That's a reality check.
My fingers are tired, but suffice it to say, that almost the exact same thing has happened, in the SAME WEEK on a business level. I've had the opportunity to explore and be quite vocal about the warts, shortcomings, and disappointments in a friend of mine's business. I've attempted to (mostly) respectfully try to offer up suggestions and useful commentary, but also realized just how easy it is to be critical of the issues in somebody else's house. The solutions are black and white, the problems are distinct and just require action. Come on, ACT!
I thought about that a lot last night and this morning. I'm thankful God put it on my heart to actually put things in the perspective of MY marriage, of MY business, and then rethink them.
Funny, the solutions get grayer, the problems get less definitive, the action more difficult.
I spent a lot of time trying really hard to apply this "lens" to my business today. There were, and will continue to be, some ugly things that need to be addressed. Some conversations that aren't fun, some situations I really didn't want to acknowledge, let alone deal with. But, I'm proud to say I started. I started, and was up front with my guys as to why I'm stirring things up when they are pretty good...it's because I want us to be REALLY good. I need to stir up my marriage a bit too, have some fun...so I'm going to do that this week too.
One of my favorite quotes has always been an old Will Rogers quote...often attributed to my dad, (because I write all his material! haha!) "Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." So...some days we'll back up and re-evaluate, some days we'll charge forward, and others, we'll just plod along happy that we're here. I'm good with that.
I texted my friend a couple of times today, he never responded. He might have been busy applying action...or he might have just been plain pissed off at my simplistic, easy, solutions to all that woes his world. I hope he calls me soon, though. I truly want to thank him for accelerating this very positive journey for me, and offer him some encouragement and support on his! Perspective is a very powerful tool.
Next time you see your neighbor's trash can out front three days after the trash comes (don't send him a letter, THANKS P.R. HOA), there's no problem offering to take it back behind the fence for him...but you probably want to check and make sure yours hasn't been sitting there even longer...
Blessings,
Scott
All the spinning together...a sermon about getting out of your comfort zone in order to do God's work. Not questioning what you don't know, but obeying what you do, and giving God the space to do the rest.
Ever walk into someone's house and wonder how they deal with that SMELL? Or pull into your driveway and see stuff in your neighbor's yard that is an eyesore and has been there for months? Easy, right? We've all been there. But, most of us are not aware enough to notice those same issues in our own houses.
A story about my Pastor's experience as a young man with a woman from another Christian denomination who treated him like a leper because his church had...gasp...MUSIC! A reminder of the confusion of growing up in a methodist church and a fundamentalist southern baptist school. (Thanks mom and dad, you WONDER why I'm messed up?) A reminder that we're all messed up. Reminders of my days freshly sober, listening to the "Me Too" message at another local church. Realizing, that my screw ups are no more righteous and no less sinful than the next guy. Remembering, for some reason, the men's breakfast I went to a week after Heidi left me, literally crying out for help, and watching these guys, some of them married 10, 20, 30 and more years, talk about their marriage like it was a joke. Everything funny. One big sitcom. I left SO angry and discouraged.
Realizing that pride, arrogance, and ego are all exhibited differently by different people, but that in all of us, they block the relationship with God that I've spent nearly all my life seeking.
A phone call from a friend who recently was destroyed by a divorce. Another friend dealing with work problems in a very public arena, diligently trying to do the right thing. A request for an opinion from another, a request for assistance.
My divorced friend was introduced to me very shortly after Heidi and I halted the legal process (a week before our divorce was to be final, for those of you who don't know) and started trying to put things back together. He had been down a similar path as me...some substance abuse issues, lack of paying attention at home, complacent, lazy, husband-ship...until his wife left. I remember the first time we talked, how ANGRY he was, what a victim he was, and how wrong she was to do this to him. Basically, he was ME, 6 months earlier, and I was looking in a mirror at all the denial and anger and hurt and pride that destroyed my marriage.
I made it clear that I was not one to provide advice. We connected on a lot of levels, and I think at least on the surface, he was genuinely interested in what I had to say. The only advice I had was BE WRONG! Be ok being WRONG! Be humble, be WRONG! Not be a doormat, at least not for long, but be WRONG until you and her both believe you. It hurts, it hurts like hell. It SUCKS, especially when, as happened to both of us, those admissions of being wrong get used against you in court, and are used like weapons to attack to the very core of a man--and take his children away. Yeah, it sucked. Bad. Bad, bad. Bad. I haven't decided yet if I'll ever go back and look at my facebook archives from that period in my life. I saved them. I even backed them up just in case. Not for any purpose other than this--to remind me. To remind ME how my arrogant, stubborn, ass of a self could take something so incredible and foul it up so badly.
My friend may read this blog, so I'm not saying anything I wouldn't say to him...and I'm curious if he'll ever be able to dig deep and consider that what I'm about to say is as true for him as it was for me...Fighting to be right nearly cost me everything, and did cost him virtually everything.
I don't remember the exact topic...but I know we had a long conversation one time about what his attorney wanted him to do, and his conflict with what he thought was the RIGHT thing to do. His attorney won. The attorney won that battle with him, and won all the way to the bank, taking my friend's money, while encouraging him to fight for what he was "entitled" to, instead of fighting for what was right. A chance to suck it up and swallow some pride ended in a war that was waged in battles that sound like they were so fierce, even when he won, he lost. And he lost. His marriage. His kids. His bank accounts. Somewhere along the line, his job. His house. The equity from the house that used to be theirs. Bad advice. Choices. Consequences.
I don't know if his marriage could have been saved. I don't know details, and I never knew his wife. But I know that fighting for stuff, fighting to fight, and fighting to win for only the sake of ensuring someone else LOSES...that never, EVER has a good end. Thankfully, I got my butt spiritually, financially, emotionally, kicked hard enough fairly early in that game, that I decided the only fight I wanted to take on was fighting to attempt to save my marriage. Those of you who were around though, you know I didn't come to that conclusion without a lot of guidance, and a LOT of self-inflicted pain and misery!
My opinion, because of pride, anger, hurt, arrogance, and lack of obedience to God. The same stuff that puts us all down the wrong road. I don't care if you're a drunk, and adulterer, just a mean bitter person, or if you think you've got it all together. Your looking down your nose at my problems is just as screwed up as the problem I'm facing.
BOOM! Like a ton of bricks, I hung up the phone with him and it hit me...Heidi and I haven't been all rainbows and unicorns lately. I've been distracted, aloof, irritable, selfish...all those things I busted my ass to do to prove to her our marriage was the (second) most important thing in my life...I sure made those a big deal 18 months ago. What about now? I believe I'm looking into that distant mirror again...
That's a reality check.
My fingers are tired, but suffice it to say, that almost the exact same thing has happened, in the SAME WEEK on a business level. I've had the opportunity to explore and be quite vocal about the warts, shortcomings, and disappointments in a friend of mine's business. I've attempted to (mostly) respectfully try to offer up suggestions and useful commentary, but also realized just how easy it is to be critical of the issues in somebody else's house. The solutions are black and white, the problems are distinct and just require action. Come on, ACT!
I thought about that a lot last night and this morning. I'm thankful God put it on my heart to actually put things in the perspective of MY marriage, of MY business, and then rethink them.
Funny, the solutions get grayer, the problems get less definitive, the action more difficult.
I spent a lot of time trying really hard to apply this "lens" to my business today. There were, and will continue to be, some ugly things that need to be addressed. Some conversations that aren't fun, some situations I really didn't want to acknowledge, let alone deal with. But, I'm proud to say I started. I started, and was up front with my guys as to why I'm stirring things up when they are pretty good...it's because I want us to be REALLY good. I need to stir up my marriage a bit too, have some fun...so I'm going to do that this week too.
One of my favorite quotes has always been an old Will Rogers quote...often attributed to my dad, (because I write all his material! haha!) "Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." So...some days we'll back up and re-evaluate, some days we'll charge forward, and others, we'll just plod along happy that we're here. I'm good with that.
I texted my friend a couple of times today, he never responded. He might have been busy applying action...or he might have just been plain pissed off at my simplistic, easy, solutions to all that woes his world. I hope he calls me soon, though. I truly want to thank him for accelerating this very positive journey for me, and offer him some encouragement and support on his! Perspective is a very powerful tool.
Next time you see your neighbor's trash can out front three days after the trash comes (don't send him a letter, THANKS P.R. HOA), there's no problem offering to take it back behind the fence for him...but you probably want to check and make sure yours hasn't been sitting there even longer...
Blessings,
Scott
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