There's only one Duke kid...and you ain't him!

"I won't be wronged.  I won't be insulted.  I won't be laid a hand on.  I don't do these things to other people, and I require the same from them."  John Wayne, the Duke himself, said that as JB Books in the movie The Shootist.

I've always kind of had that little ideal in my head...good words to live by.  Solid words.  Man's words.  Since he's such a big man,  I pretty well ignore the fact that, in the movie, JB Books is pretty much a self-important jerk.  So self important, in fact, that he can't die like other mere mortals, for crying out loud, he wants even his death to be an event.

Maybe I ought to give more thought to the axioms I choose to live by.  I don't see any room for forgiveness or grace in Mr. Books' words.  Oh big deal, just a movie, right?  No.  Programming brings emotions, emotions bring thoughts, thoughts bring actions, and actions bring consequences.

Today, for probably the first time in better than a year, I got angry.  Not mad, not upset--I got flat out angry--angry to the core.  Pissed off, lost my SH!T angry.  And I was right to.  I was right, and righteous, and insulted, and wronged.

I actually kept my composure externally fairly well.  I didn't do any yelling or screaming.  I didn't insult anyone personally.  I was just hard.  Cold.  Mean.  Angry.

I spent the better part of the day telling others about how I was wronged.  And spoken down to.  And insulted.  I kept reliving the event in my head.  Reminding myself how good I was for not lashing out and tearing the wrong-doer apart.

And you know what?  It sucked.  It consumed me.  It ruined my day.  Completely, totally devastated my ability to find any good in anyone or anything today.

On a good note, it's not like the bad old days.  I don't have to hide from anyone, or be too awfully embarrassed as to how I behaved--externally.  Frankly, I don't think I have any apologizing to do, other than that which has already occurred.  But, I know the hate and anger that was in my heart.  I know the vile ugly door that opened that has long been shut and not a part of my heart or thoughts.  I'm not proud of that.  I'm ashamed of that.  I know.  God knows.   HE sees.  I know.

Heidi knew.  She saw it.  She remembers that guy.  I don't like that guy. She doesn't like that guy. She left THAT guy.  That guy was a miserable wreck.

You know, the Duke is entertaining on the silver screen.  Many young men who otherwise might not have had a role model could probably do much worse than to try to be like him.  I suppose you could say I picked the wrong character to make a hero.  There's certainly more Christ-like behavior in Mr. Andersen's death in The Cowboys.  Taking a beating on behalf of the kids he was trying to protect and ultimately dying for them.  Ok, sure.  Better anyway.

But I think I need to look much further back, and a bit more introspectively to find my hero.  How come we don't spend time making much of the hero that Jesus was?  What have we done in our society to make little boys want to grow up and be like Jesus?  Why don't we idolize Him?  Why don't we brag about Him?  We take our kids to church every week, send them to VBS, church camp, winter camp, whatever...if we aren't teaching them how awesome it is to be Christlike, what's the point?

Jim Burgen, pastor at Flatiron's Community Church in my hometown, did a great sermon series about Real Men, and what a real man Jesus was.  A warrior.  A winner.  A guy who wouldn't back down from anyone.  A guy big enough, and perfect enough, to give His life for us.  He talked about how we spend a lot of time thinking about white robe Jesus, petting baby animals and patting kids on the head...I don't even know where that image came from.

What about super angry, righteous, pissed off Jesus when he was flipping out, and tearing up the tables in the temple?  That Jesus was awesome.  Righteous, awesome.  And could turn around and forgive, and have grace, and give of Himself.

I want to be more like that.

Do it AGAIN! Do it AGAIN!

Some of my most trying times as a parent can come in moments that I build up in my mind to be great moments for my kids, only to find them unwilling to try--being afraid of the outcome.  From new foods to four wheelers to jumping in the deep end...getting kids to try things you know they'll enjoy could be a topic all of its own.  However, I just want to briefly focus on the after effects.

Almost without fail, after the ice of scariness is shattered, amid giant smiles and laughter, comes words I think all parents know too well--and they can equally make us smile and make us crazy, "Do it AGAIN!"

From little tiny Kate, who didn't want me to lift her out of the water and dunk her head, to that same little girl after I finally took the risk and tossed her up in air and let her FLY and then go under...coughing and sputtering, spitting water out of her mouth and snot running out of her nose, "Do it AGAIN Daddy!"  "Again!"  "Again, Daddy!"  To utter exhaustion on both our parts.

From bicycles to piggy back rides to wrestling around to throwing a ball or being afraid to shoot a gun...from the ashes of apprehension come the growth of learning and empowerment and enjoyment.

Watching in these moments sparks all kinds of emotions: love, pride, joy, the bittersweet realization with each new milestone reached that my little girls are growing up!

Today in church, during a great sermon around the events of Acts 4, I drew an interesting parallel.

For those like me who don't quite have each story, chapter, and verse of the Bible quite memorized, let me bring you up to speed.  Jesus was crucified and rose a couple weeks ago.  The disciples, following their directions, are spreading His word and the word of his resurrection, and basically, are starting the Christian church.  The folks who killed Jesus are none too pleased, seeing as how they thought they had disposed of their problems, so they arrest Peter and John both for spreading the word, and for calling upon God to heal a crippled up dude in the temple.

Peter and John are held in jail, and then "tried" in a religious court.  The leaders are pretty stumped.  They've got a dude who used to be crippled who's dancing around and singing about Jesus, and, the Bible says, about 5,000 of his closest friends, give or take, who are soaking up the message and spreading it fast!

So the leaders decide killing Peter and John may not be in their collective interest.  Instead, they cut them loose, but tell them to shut up and go away.  Peter's pretty bold at this point, seeing as how he was fully braced up for death, so he pretty much thumbs his nose and says, "No thanks religious dudes, I'm gonna follow God's orders instead of yours," and goes on his way.

Peter and John get back together with the other believers, and they run away and hide, and vow to never put themselves that close to danger again!  Then they prayed, "Dear God, thank You for saving us, please protect us so THAT never happens again!"

Actually, I made that last part up.  That's probably what I would do on a lot of days.  I'd pray thanks to God for saving my skin, and make a mental note of which part of town to not open my mouth in again.  I'd probably even forget to outwardly give Him the praise for saving my sorry butt in the first place--people would be patting me on the back, "Dang man, you're so brave, standing up to those religious dudes," and I'd be all, "Yeah, those punks didn't scare me...they are LUCKY they let me go so I didn't have to mess them up!"

Peter and John didn't do that.  They met with their peeps, and they all kinda partied it up, and celebrated.  Then, they did the exact opposite of my made up bit above...They prayed to God and said, "Again!  Do it again!"  What THEY did, was they saw how many people were turned onto Jesus by their actions, and they said, "Awesome God!  Do it AGAIN!" "Use ME AGAIN God!"

About this time, I caught a whole bunch of analogies swimming in my head, but the most obvious is that of my Spiritual Father making His best efforts to prod and cajole me into jumping off into the deep end.  He knows the reward will be incredible, but He gave me the free will to miss out.

How many awesome experiences have I missed because I wasn't willing to, "try that vegetable," or speak up in an opportune situation?  How many incredible experiences will I never know because when it was my turn to let go of the rope, I refused?  I'll probably never know.

Changing gears ever so slightly, how many times did I fail to see the growth in what was a horrible life experience--a tragedy, a death, or even just a bad day?  Instead, at the end, the best thanks I can muster is to thank God for getting me through it, and then I pray to never have it happen again?

Where's my inner child?  Where's my spiritual, "Do it AGAIN?"

I wonder what my life would be like if I lived that way?

More importantly, how much glory would I be giving to God to allow Him the honor and respect and love of seeing one of His children experience something awesome?  Wow!  If I feel the way I do when my kids experience joy, how could it be any different for God?

Most of you know how my life turned indescribably for the better after my entire world imploded with my marriage.  I've thanked God profusely for the growth that came out of that, but after today I think I missed the bigger point.  NO!  I don't think I need to pray to God to allow my marriage to unravel again, lest I forget the lesson, I'm not saying that at all...but I do believe I need to ask for more opportunities to experience spiritual growth, and the fulfillment that comes with that.

My life experience tells me that all growth, all reward, comes only at the expense of risk.  The risk may be simply placing myself out of my comfort zone, or it may come in the form of indescribable tragedy for myself or someone else, or any opportunity in between.

I'm going to do my best to find my inner spiritual child.  I want to live life with a lot more, "Do it AGAIN!"

Forgive someone...it's the selfish thing to do!

Some of you recently heard about my quest to get a deadbeat customer to pay a bill that was owed.  The total was (is) $82.30.  We're certainly not going to go broke by not collecting.  However, the lady was rude and lied repeatedly to my staff, hung up on them, lied some more, etc.  When I got involved, I was pretty blunt--pay your bill, or I'll seize your car.  Colorado gives us the right (by statute, no less) to do just that.

We've played thrust, dodge, parry for the better part of a few months now.

Last night, driving home with Heidi from a wonderful evening Christmas show, my thoughts turned to this lady.  It made me mad.  How dare she?  Why cheat us?  What did I do to her?  If you're broke, why keep lying to me?  I was ready to go over to her house at 9pm last night to see if her car was there so I could tow it.

And...then it hit me.  Wow, I gave this lady and her $82.30 a lot of power over ME.  Today, I announced to the guys that I was going to send her a Christmas card.  I didn't get it done today, but it will go out tomorrow.  I'm going to tell her this, verbatim:

Bridgette,
I'm very disappointed that you have never kept your word and paid the debt that you owe for the services you were provided.  I'm certain that we fulfilled our end of the agreement, yet you have dodged, lied about, and ducked responsibility for your end of the deal.  I'm sure you have legitimate financial difficulties, but there are legitimate, honest ways of dealing with that.  Regardless, I'm done chasing you.  Your debt is forgiven in full.  I hope someday you get your act together and feel compelled to do something to help someone else, or show some compassion when someone wrongs you.

Merry Christmas,
Scott

I think a few of my guys were shocked, a few might have been mildly impressed.  Me?  I told them it was time.  There is a difference between tenacious pursuit of justice and what is right, and the toxic anger and bitterness that this became in me.  She doesn't deserve that, and I'm not going to allow it.  I've dealt with much worse, and come through it better...

So, I did the selfish thing.  I forgave her.  Literally forgave the debt, and forgave her for how she handled it.   I'm all done.  I certainly didn't do it to make her feel better, I did it for me.  It was, after-all, the best thing I could do for me.  Sometimes, the selfish move is the right one.

I may see her somewhere, or see her car.  I might think about her when I am driving down the road, or randomly some day at work.  I might have to forgive her again.  A very wise, tall, cowboy buddy of mine told me this:  Sometimes you have to give something to God and let it go...and when it comes back, you have to do it again.  And again.  And again.  Or, as us 12 steppers say, "Fake it 'till you make it!"

I continue to look at life through the perspective of how bad things can and have been, and I'm often making comparisons and analyzing things.

There's a lot of stuff in a lot of relationships--business relationships, friendships, marriages, former marriages--lots of toxic, yucky, stuff.  That stuff can bring you down, BIG time!  My advice?  Do the selfish thing, forgive that person, move on.  Much of that stuff, I've found I'm not big enough to forgive on my own.  Surrounding myself with people who help me understand the power of God's grace helps remind me that I'll never be big enough--after all, I'm a greedy, selfish, self-centered guy!

Forgiveness is a process, it's an attitude, and I'm TRYING to make it a lifestyle--a philosophy if you will.  Recognizing my own selfish nature, and FEEDING it with the selfish act of forgiveness seems to help.

Now, go forgive someone...go do something selfish.  Do it for you.  You'll appreciate it...and you might be surprised at what comes back around...

p.s.
Part of being a successful business person is being a good steward of that which my family and my God have entrusted me with.  I believe I will continue to struggle, and will share the struggles, of balancing my natural tendencies, my felt responsibilities, the expectations of others, and my faith.  I'm glad God's so powerful, 'cause most of this stuff is way over MY head!

Scott

God doesn't give you more than you can handle...or does He?

--I revived this from one my recent Facebook posts, mostly because I want to have it in a place where it's easy for me to share--

While recently counseling a former employee, I shared something that really changed my outlook on God and life and problems. I don't claim to be the original thought maker, but I don't remember anyone putting it to me this way--it's just how it came together for me. I may have shared bits and pieces over the last year, and if you counseled me, you may notice some of your thoughts mixed in...

I've heard my whole life that God won't ever give you more than you can handle. I am now going to tell you that I wholeheartedly disagree with that statement, and that sentiment, no matter how wonderful it may sound. In fact, I think God often allows us to experience more than we can handle--sometimes briefly, and sometimes for a long period of time. I think He does this to remind us upon Whom we are to rely. The longevity and severity of the experience likely has to do with how resistant we are to the message, and what He wants us to do with the lesson.

There are rampant opinions on the subject, most from people much more educated and with more theological standing than me.  However, due to the nature of the internet, and the ease with which one can create a blog, and the fact that you are here reading, you must have at least some desire to read about the Things Scott Thinks About.

A young pastor I respect very much helped my view on this greatly when I was sobbing and asking why I was being punished, and how long would it last?  The basic gist I took from his speaking is that if we look to God as our spiritual Father, then it would be incumbent on Him to dispense discipline as needed for our spiritual growth and well being.

I don't believe for a minute that Heidi and I went through the mess that we went through just to prove how miserable a human being can make himself, given enough latitude. I believe that first and foremost the intent was to get me to the point of relying on God first, and nothing else, and a secondary outcome was (hopefully) to help other people.

My message to my friend I was talking to was delivered gently, but from the perspective of experience. It was not until I stopped being angry at others and at God and trusted that He had a greater plan than what I knew that I started to garner some peace, and ultimately some resolution. I did not LIKE the idea of being divorced; I did however, ultimately accept it, and prayed to God for understanding and guidance as to how to move forward.

Because I struggle to get this point across, I leaned on the great philosopher tobyMAC, of dcTalk fame, and remembered these lyrics:

"Now when youre down and feelin out
I know ya take it to the Lord
But those times when ya got the clout
Do you take it to the Lord?

When youre outta cash and ya rent is due
I know ya take it to the Lord
But when youre livin large and you got the juice
Do ya take it to the mighty Lord?"

I think, sometimes, that suffering reminds us that we are not as big as HE, and begins to turn our perspective back to one that glorifies Him and His plan.

I hated what Heidi and I went through. I honestly don't even like talking about it all that much, because it's so real and fresh that it's easy to get sucked back into the emotion and negativity and ugliness of it, even just relaying a story.

I do, however, praise God in a big way for where Heidi and I are now, and I know that we couldn't have gotten here on our own, given the path we set upon ourselves.

I hope that makes sense and helps somebody somewhere.

On marriage, and divorce...

Do you remember seeing that special on television a few weeks ago, the one with the couple who had been married for 75 years?  Do you remember what they said the secret was?  The husband said, "We must have just been lucky," and the wife, cute as she was from her little rocking chair said, "Well, you know, things just used to be easier."  Do you remember that?

No, of course you don't.  It never happened.  It never will happen.  In my entire life, I don't recall ever hearing a single person celebrating an anniversary saying, "Whew!  We must have gotten an easy one to get this far!"  No.  Never has, and never will.

Before I go further, there are currently at least three of my facebook friends who are in the process of, or contemplating divorce--numerous more are divorced, divorced and remarried, or never married and completely disenfranchised on the thought of relationships.  I'm not talking about any of you, (or maybe I'm talking about all of you) but no one in particular.  If your feelings are easily hurt, or you're going to get all wadded up, you probably better stop reading now.  That said, I have very few friends who expect anything less than both barrels when The Things Scott Thinks About start bubbling to the surface.

I don't have it all figured out, and I'm not trying to approach this from any kind of a self-righteous, "Bessie Better Than You," perspective, I'm just thinking, and you're reading.  Maybe you'll start thinking too.

Since I got out of the way and started letting God put my nearly derailed marriage back on track, I've had a lot of people come to me for advice.  Everyone wants to know, "the thing".  They want to know how Heidi and I made it work, when we were so close to it all being over.  (Remember, it was four or five days before our divorce would have been final that Heidi signed the motion to dismiss)  I've been quizzed so much on this in the last year, that I've got the format of my response down pretty well.

First, I tell EVERYONE that I'm the last person qualified to give advice.  Then, I offer to give specifics on my circumstances, and let them draw conclusions.  I tend to spend a lot of time on the revelations I had, which basically were: 1.) I couldn't have a proper and healthy relationship with anyone else until I had a proper and healthy relationship with God.  2.) I am pretty much a selfish, self-absorbed, judgmental, jerk, and 3.) I had to decide if I wanted to be "right", or if I wanted to be married.  Fact is, I ate a lot of crap sandwiches in putting our marriage back together.  In the beginning, I took the blame for about everything.  Was it all my fault?  No, of course not, but at the time, reminding the person who was completely done with me of her faults was probably not going to win me any favor.

That's about it.  That's my three things.  I usually get some mixed reaction of admiration and disbelief, followed by, "yeah, that's cool things worked out for you guys, but our situation is way different."  It turns out, most people who ask me for advice don't really want advice anyway--so I don't get a lot of objections when I refuse to offer it.  The reality is, they generally want validation--they want to be right.

I spent a few months in that spot myself--whining to many of you who are reading this.  Telling all who would listen about how much I'd changed and how unfairly I was being treated.  Yup, I've been there.

Takes one to know one?  Yeah, I know it when I see it.

You know what I wish someone had told me, I wish they had beat into my head, I wish they were there through it all to remind me??

Marriage is damn hard.  It takes a crap ton of work, and a whole lot of give a damn.  It's hard, it's sometimes not fun, and, between me and you, sometimes it SUCKS!

You think YOUR situation is special?  You think YOU are that different?  Well, that's a selfish, self-absorbed view.  You know what?  I bet if you asked Mr. and Mrs. 75th anniversary, they'd tell you they had some days like that.  Maybe some years.  Maybe some infidelity.  Maybe some ugly fights.  Maybe some pain in the ass relatives who seemed determined to drive a wedge between them.  Mr. and Mrs. 75th anniversary dealt with all the same things you did.  I find it really disrespectful to those who've worked hard to get there to assume anything different.  They WORKED for it, they dealt with what you're dealing with.  They valued it enough to work hard enough to make it work.

I thought everything about my situation was special too.  Guess what.  I'm not all that special, and neither are you.  Work for it.  I have been to 12 step meetings all across the front range, and listened to people from 18 to 78 tell their story.  You know what?  Their story is my story.  Change a few details, but it's all the same.

I've read at least 10 books on marriage, relationships, divorce, separation, all in the last year.  You know what?  The advice varies, but the stories are all the same.  I'm not special.  You're not special. Marriage is damn hard.  You get to choose if you want to work for it or not.

Nobody told me that, not that way.  I don't think anyone ever told Heidi either.  I know that many of those standing behind me, even many of those praying for me, those feeling bad for me, those supporting Heidi in her decision to leave...lots of well intentioned, good Christian folks--not many told me what I needed to hear, and I don't think anyone in Heidi's circle of influence was telling her either--Marriage is hard.  Damn hard.  Suck it up, go deal with it, go be married.

The most common thing I hear is how much someone, or something, changed, so they are gonna just move on.  "We've just grown apart".  "We just want different things".  Even, "We don't want to fight in front of the kids anymore".

In the last year, I think I've heard them all.  This week, I heard the cake-taker--"Eh, we gave it a good go, but we're just gonna split up and try to be friends for the kids' sake."  What??  That's really what we've relegated commitment to in our society--marriage is about as sacred as an elementary school kickball game that didn't go the way someone wanted.  "We tried."

Wow.

Heidi and I used to watch the show, "Parenthood" on tv.  It was kinda cute, hit on some tough issues, but was fairly wholesome at first.  Then, it got a little too real for me, and somewhere along the line I didn't watch it anymore.

For some reason, in the last couple of weeks, I've caught a few episodes, and it's been very close to home.  I generally get into tv shows to knowing character's names, but the hot lawyer girl and her husband have been split up for a season or two.  Now, their divorce is becoming final.  Her husband goes to his father-in-law (Craig T. Nelson's character), to tell him goodbye, and I guess thank him for all the good times.  F-I-L was having none of that.  In what I wish I could find online so I could link it and quote it, Craig T. Nelson gives the advice that every dad, every mom, every friend, every ANYONE who cares about marriage should give, "Don't give up, FIGHT for your marriage!"  "FIGHT!"  Probably the best 10 seconds of network tv in the last decade.  FIGHT!  FIGHT! FIGHT!

For 10 seconds, instead of portraying the idiot husband drinking with his friends, talking about how she's taking him for all his stuff; the idiot husband with his new 10 year younger girlfriend; the husband who gives up and never sees his kids because he has to deal with "her".  For 10 seconds, there was a brief revival of the ultimate family value.  FIGHT for your marriage.  Stop fighting WITH her and fight FOR her!

Why are we coddling our friends?  Why are we validating our loved ones?  Why do we stand up in people's weddings, vowing along with them to support their marriage and their commitment, and then turn around and say, "Yeah, he's a real bum," or "I'm sure she's tough to live with".  Tell them to FIGHT!

You know, there are times, and I think it was Dr. Laura I heard years ago who had her three A's.  Addiction, Abuse, Adultery.  Three legitimate reasons to end a marriage.  Maybe.  Safety first, always, don't be stupid.  After that, I guess it depends.  Maybe?  Maybe it depends if one is committed to changing those things, maybe.

Thankfully, I know of only a few relationships close to me that ended due to physical abuse, so leave them out of this discussion, but I also know this:  100% of marriages that I've seen fail have failed because at least one of the two parties in the marriage didn't want to work hard enough to make it work.

PERIOD.  Sometimes one person fighting hard enough can bring the other around.  Sometimes not.  100% of the time, if you don't try, you fail.

Many of you know that I finally accepted the fact that I was getting divorced, but I did not stop fighting.  I knew that if I stopped, I was guaranteed to be divorced.  If I didn't stop, there was some chance that I might not be.  Given my seemingly impossibly unavoidable outcome, there were a lot of times I wanted to give up, just let go.  But then God would reach down and nudge me, FIGHT!

Thank GOD that I had a few AWESOME people behind me--people I would never have thought would become my champions, who told me, FIGHT!

Maybe our generation is too burned up and burned out.  Maybe we're all too cynical and jaded.  But I know what I'm going to tell my kids, and anyone else who will ever listen:  Marriage is hard, and you have to WORK and FIGHT to make it work.  Do it!

When the day comes that some dude with a bad haircut who dresses funny tells me he wants to marry my daughter, we're gonna have a talk.  We're gonna have a talk about work.  I'm gonna tell him the truth.  I'm gonna tell him marriage is HARD.  I'm going to video tape it, and I'm going to share it with him and my daughter when things get hard.  I'm going to tell them to FIGHT!  I'm going to tell them to FIGHT for each other, not with each other.

FIGHT!