Continuing Education...Marriage Part 2

When we left off a few weeks ago, I vented a bit, and shared some deep thoughts.  I ended with a Zig Ziglar video about attitude and perception.

To recap, my challenge was to change your own behavior, and work on allowing your changed behavior to begin to change your thoughts and beliefs.

I hope you've had some time to mull that over, or just out of some combination of faith or desperation decided to give "my" way a whirl.

Here's your next steps outlined, then I'll go back over it.

1.) Continue to INTENTIONALLY change your actions and responses to circumstances around you.  If you want to get mad.  Be happy.  Re-read part one as needed.
2.) PRAY for God to continue to work on your heart and mind, to heal YOU so that you can be a better mate for your spouse.
3.) Make your lists like Zig did in the video
4.) Pray over the lists daily at least twice.
5.) Download / Buy / Checkout at the library / Steal from a friend the book "Love and Respect" by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.

The first part seems pretty obvious, but as we move onto part two, I don't want you to lose focus.  You've had two weeks to practice, you've probably had some good days, some bad days, and some, "I give up" days.  Remember, you didn't get into your mess in a couple of weeks, you're not going to get out that fast either.

I want to encourage you to continue to pray, to share with others, and to ask them to pray for you, over you, and for your marriage.  I again REALLY want to encourage you right now NOT to share specific events or failures about your spouse with others.  Instead, pray for you both to have humble and open hearts and minds to eventually work together to make your marriage a happier, more fruitful, and more pleasing to God.  If you want to talk about specifics, talk about, but don't dwell on, your own failures.  Ask for encouragement in YOU being a better YOU for your spouse.

CHALLENGE:  If you are thinking as you read this, "I already do that, " or "I've tried this, " or "Yeah, but..." or "But HE (or SHE)..." then you aren't listening.  I am asking you to stop looking for, stop pointing out, and stop dwelling on the failures of your spouse.  Find good.

So our excercise, step 3...Make lists.  I want you to WRITE down the following...I gave my own examples:

I fell in love with my spouse because: (WRITE Two SPECIFIC sentences)
  a.) I fell in love with my wife because she made my heart stop and my stomach hurt when I wasn't around her.
  b.) I fell in love with my spouse because she loved me back.

I appreciate most about my spouse:
  a.) She keeps up with the kids' schedules and makes sure our house runs smoothly
  b.) She gives me grace to do pretty much whatever I want to do, and doesn't ever complain about it!

I think my spouse would appreciate if I...
  a.) Had more patience when things don't go as planned
  b.) Was willing to do more "boring" stuff around the house, cleaning, organizing, honey-do's.

I wish I was better at...
  a.) Listening without trying to solve a problem...just listening and absorbing, and having empathy
  b.) Turning off my brain and vegging out.  When my brain is stuck on a subject, especially a problem, I struggle to get it out of my head until it's solved/completed/rectified.

Now, if you can't come up with 4 positive things about your spouse and 4 things you think you could do better...then go back and re-read part one, and watch the video again!  Pray about it.

Unless you're a total idiot, you didn't get get married on a whim, and even if you did, you felt that something was right.  So what was it?

I want you, morning and night, pray affirmation over your lists.  I want you, ala Stuart Smalley (I'm good enough...I'm smart enough...) to pray and BE THANKFUL for the things that you fell in love for, and BE THANKFUL for the things you appreciate.  BE HUMBLE and ask for God's forgiveness, your spouse's forgiveness, and the ability to forgive yourself for your own shortcomings, but also to continue to improve.

Now that you've got that rolling, buy the book.  If you want to know the truth, I haven't read it yet.  In fact, I've just recently reignited my desire to read it but have a couple of other books I need to finish first.  I did, however, listen to an incredible interview that Dave Ramsey did with the author of the book.  I felt like, [with way more smarts and research], the author did an INCREDIBLE job of articulating much of what I've tried to share with other couples.  So buy it, and start reading it!  https://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1591451876 

Now, if you've read this far, you're probably still with me.  Do you want to know a secret?  I am going to tell you something, and depending on where your heart is right now, you may or may not believe me:

Your spouse hasn't changed.  You haven't changed.  What has changed in your marriage is your perception of one another, and therefore, your level of both appreciation and grace/patience for one another.  That's really it.

SOOOOO many people are looking for the silver bullet.  SOOOOOO many people want to know "how did you fix your marriage?"  The answer is pretty much never one thing.  The problem is pretty much never one thing.  Even in relationships with substance abuse, extramarital affairs, deceit, cheating, lying...it really comes back to the core issue of allowing your marriage to sink to a place where you no longer appreciate or have patience for each other.

Second secret?  I'm living proof that one person PLUS GOD can change and save a marriage.  I changed ME.  I allowed God to change ME.  I prayed for Heidi's heart, I prayed for my own...but ultimately, I could do nothing except even on my WORST day--change how I respond and react to things.  Eventually, a little crack developed in Heidi's defenses, and little by little we regained trust and respect for one another.  I don't think the love was ever gone...it was just buried beneath all the crap.

You want to save your marriage?  Save yourself.  Re-read part one.  Watch the video.  Read this twice, and start to do it...then hold on for step 3.

Feel free to shoot me confidential email to spe@elmoreland.com , or shoot me a message on Facebook ... I'm happy to respond to questions, give encouragement, add you my personal prayers.

This isn't rocket science, but it's also not easy.  Work on you.  Enjoy the change.  Let your spouse see it.  Make it real.  It's about you.

If you're going to fight, fight to SAVE your marriage!

I was 7 days from my final orders hearing in my divorce process before my wife decided to speak to me, and attempt to work through our issues.  In the 4 months prior, and in the 4 years since, I reached out to virtually every resource I could, gleaning every bit of useful (and a lot of not useful) information that I could apply to my situation.  This is a beginning of a compilation of that information.

I'm no expert, I'm no counselor, I'm married.  I'm married, and I've probably been where you are if someone has suggested that you read this.  I've been to the brink and BACK, and I'm better for it.  I write with authority because what I did (finally), done for the right reasons, with myself right with God, saved my marriage.  It could save yours.  Lots of other people have heard some of this message.  So far I'm not aware of anyone who was willing to get out of themselves and apply it.  That doesn't make the message wrong; it didn't take 1 day to drive your marriage in the ditch, it's not going to be fixed in a day.

It amazes me that in our incredibly screwed up world, with all the problems that exist, and the blessings that abound for us in abundance, we still manage to make our own lives difficult. Worse, we come home and hurt the people that we are supposed to love the most, those that are supposed to be our biggest allies, fans, and cheerleaders. There is no shortage of hurt, ill will, and damaged relationships among the people that I care about.

I recently told someone I was 0/5 in my efforts to encourage others in their marriages. I guess if you include my marriage, I’m 1/6, or batting .166, so I’m definitely minor league. Or am I?

You want to know what makes me angry? Not my feelings hurt, you stepped on my toe kind of angry; but Jesus in the temple tossing tables over, RIGHTEOUS, PISSED OFF, ANGRY? It’s people asking for advice, and then not being willing to take the advice because it’s too hard. ESPECIALLY when the stakes are as high as they are in a marriage. Nobody has ever reached out to me for advice because they were getting married. Nobody asks for a “what if” in a situation that they might be struggling with. Nope, they want answers when one spouse has one foot out the door (or both) and their life is about to explode…and they want a quick fix, a Band-Aid, and they want it now.

Oh sure, I’m guilty of the same offense…I’m probably 20lbs overweight. There’s no mystery though. If I quit eating ice cream and took that brand new bicycle out for a ride, I could affect some change. If I ate a salad and went for a walk at lunch, I could probably make a difference. I don’t (ok, I rarely) look at people who are fit and say, “What’s their secret?” or “I wish I could be like them.” I COULD be like them, if I did the things they are willing to do. So, don’t play stupid, and don’t be a victim. If you want to be in shape, you have to do the work. If you want a happy marriage—heck, even a manageable marriage—you need to do the work.

Frankly, in hindsight, I’m not 0/5, I did my part. But, I can’t make struggling couples be willing to do the hard things necessary to get their marriages out of the ditch and back on track. ONLY those participating in those relationships can do that. And this is important. REALLY, REALLY, important! Like family tree changing, children impacting, whole world affecting kind of stuff.

Did you know that there are THOUSANDS of books on dealing with divorce? Hundred of them are written from a Christian perspective. There are very few books written on saving a broken marriage. Fewer yet that address the topic with God's enormous role included. While I think that's sad, I also think that it's pretty clear where the market is. Everyone wants to feel better about their divorce, very few are interested in the hard work required to save a marriage in crisis.

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Occasionally, little things come up with my kids, and it will suddenly hit me…I really damaged them. In 4 months of litigation and nearly 8 months of separation from my wife, I messed up my kids’ world view. I made an irreversible impact on their ability to see and process conflict and behavior because of how my wife and I handled our problems. And we survived! We survived and we still screwed up our kids! Granted, we also sent a clear message about dedication, grace, forgiveness, and reunification…a message about a mom’s role and a dad’s role, and the roles of spouses in a marriage—in all, I’d call it at least making the best of a bad situation; but I’m not arrogant or ignorant enough to pretend that I didn’t negatively impact my kids.

So you’re gonna get divorced because it’s “best for the kids?” Ridiculous. Just can’t take it anymore? He/She changed? Seriously? Some of you are on marriage 2.0 or 3.0…is your luck just really that rotten? You just get stuck picking loser spouses--you’re just a victim of destiny? I doubt it, and that’s a BS cop out.

Maybe you did make a bad choice, maybe you married a loser. If you made the additional bad choice of making babies with that person, then you damn well better stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about your kids. Yeah, I’m talking to both of you.

Now that I’m done venting a bit, if you’re still reading, I do want to talk solutions, and I do want to talk about how your situation is pretty much no different than anyone else's.

First, if you haven’t read my original treatise on marriage and divorce, you need to start there. If you have, you should probably reread it.

Second, because it ties right in there, are my my thoughts on forgiveness.

Once you’ve worked through those, preferably after you’re done being mad at me for pointing out the truth, read on.

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You’re *NOT* special. My incredibly astute spouse recently told me, in regard to multiple couples in our life that are past struggling and to the absolute breaking point in their marriage, “It’s weird, I can talk to any of the three of them and they say EXACTLY the same things about their husbands.” Followed by, “I just can’t believe that all three of them could have married EXACTLY the same jerk as each other—obviously this is just what they are seeing through their filter.”

So…ladies if you believe that your husband:

• Doesn’t communicate well / Doesn’t listen 
• Belittles you / Talks down to you / is condescending 
• Tries to control you
• Doesn’t show affection for you
• Doesn’t care about the marriage.

And guys…if you say your wife 

• Wastes money 
• Wastes time doing things that are unimportant 
• Doesn’t appreciate you / Doesn’t see your efforts to make her happy 
• Doesn’t respect your opinion 
• I want to talk means “I want to complain” 
• Wants a fairy tale marriage 

You are all in good company. We could add in complaints about alcohol or drug use, overbearing in-laws, and friends that you love to hate. You’re normal-ish. You’re not healthy, but you’re pretty normal. So now what?

The first thing is, put all that crap aside for now. You’re not at a point in your relationship to be working on those kind of specifics. I try SO hard to not allow people to bring me specifics. Why? Because they don’t matter. Not right now. He said mean things. She spent $500 on a pair of shoes. He would rather go to a football game than be with me. She complains to her sister about me all the time. Blah blah blah. When you want to discuss the specifics of your partner’s wrongdoing, in my opinion you are doing nothing more than trying to be right. If you think you can make your partner WRONG enough to fix your marriage, then stop reading and go find a better way to use your time.

How many times has Dr. Phil asked people? C’mon, you know the cliché… “Do you want to be RIGHT, or do you want to be happy?”

If you can get over yourself for a few minutes, step outside of the hurt and hate and anger that has replaced your infatuation and love for your spouse, keep on reading.

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I'm pretty sure it was Gandhi that said, “Your beliefs become your thoughts, your thoughts become your words, your words become your actions…” While I don’t disagree that there is a logical connection, I believe that explaining behavior that way is not only simplistic; it’s kind of dangerous and fatalistic. Many people accept the concept that in order to change behavior, you have to start by changing beliefs. I disagree.

I believe that every day, every human furthers their experiences, which in some way influences their beliefs, thoughts, and actions. I believe that there is a complicated relationship between the three, and that if Gandhi’s philosophical quip falls short, it’s in assuming that we must first seek to change one’s beliefs before behavior can change. I’ll say again, I disagree. Especially in the context of marriage. I think that the B-T-A cycle can be influenced in any or all of those facets, but that ACTIONS are much easier to change than beliefs and thoughts, at least initially. You can change actions right now. You want to know how? Do something different than what you’re currently doing. There you go, you’re welcome. That’s it. Pretty profound, huh?

It’s no secret that I’m a recovered drunk, and that I spent more than my fair share of time in 12 step recovery type programs. One of the concepts that I really have stolen and made my own is the idea of “Fake it ‘til you make it”. I’ve argued and debated the idea with others, some who simply believe that “faking” it is just setting yourself up for failure in the future. ** I ** think that faking it is setting yourself up for the win, even before your will – your thoughts and beliefs are on board! In the context of drinking—if I wake up today and want a drink…Gandhi says I’m going to drink. I say, just don’t! If I make it through today, maybe I can try again tomorrow. And the next day. And after that. Eventually, I believe that my actions will influence my thoughts which will influence my beliefs to exactly the point that I in fact got to—I got to the point that I BELIEVED I *don’t* need a drink, so I thought that, so I didn’t. But it started by changing my actions.

Nifty neato huh? But how does my example have anything to do with marriage? It has everything to do with marriage! Attempts, failures, changing behaviors…sound familiar? Let’s get back on point.

First, Humble yourself before God. Regardless of outcome, you’ll be better equipped in the future if you can be right with Him. I believe that it is impossible for you to reflect God's love onto your spouse if you are separated from God. I also believe that if you are harboring ill will, anger, and resentment for your spouse instead of forgiving and giving those feelings to God, that you are separating yourself from Him and his redeeming grace and love.

The next HUGE thing that you can do for YOU and your marriage is to change your actions.

Change your response, change your actions. Flip it upside down if you need to. You think your wife is bat-crap crazy? Agree with her. Husband comes home and wants to flop on the couch and not listen to your problems? Bring him a cold drink and ask about his day. Stop thinking about you. ESPECIALLY stop thinking about yourself like a victim. Start looking at how YOU can make your spouse’s day better, and then do it. Pretty crazy huh?

But, I already tried that, I’m done. No, you didn’t. Not long enough, not sincerely enough, and not without an ulterior motive. You tried it as a manipulation, as a technique to get what you want. Or, you tried it as an attempt to fulfill what you already decided—that your spouse is wrong, you're a victim, and what's the point. What I’m suggesting is a philosophical change that makes someone other than you the center of your world.

If I ask enough questions, or sometimes even get to observe, too often it’s clear that spouses will change up their actions just long enough to prove that their spouse didn’t notice. Yeah, that’s you. You’re still not unique, I’ve watched us all (myself included) do it. It’s called being “in the box,” and some really smart people wrote a book about it.

I believe that every marriage is in grave danger of getting stuck in a spiraling rut where appreciation, affection, and eventually love dwindle to a point of nearly unrecoverable failure. The book, Leadership and Self-Deception, was written to help leaders understand how they allow their own biases and experiences to stifle growth and create failure in organizations—at times even allowing them to act outside of what they intellectually know is a correct way of handling a situation. The book discusses the concept of being, “In the Box” with someone…It’s a concept incredibly relevant to ALL relationships, especially a marriage!

Let me sum the concept up for you: if I am in the box with my spouse, she can do no right. She does not care about my feelings, she doesn’t respect me, and she is the reason we are having a problem. I probably got IN the box for legitimate reasons, and it probably didn’t happen overnight. Lots of unresolved conflict over the course of years, lots of experiences, lots of disappointments; lots of proof and validation that I am right, and that my feelings are justified.

The most dangerous part of being in the box, however, is failing to see the good faith efforts that others are making. Once you are IN…you can’t see anything good in another. You’re a victim, they are the perpetrator, and even if you see something good, it’s looked upon with suspicious and distrust. I have a fairly crass way of describing this situation—I’ve often said, “Her husband could crap gold bars and instead of her celebrating her newfound wealth, she’d complain to her friends about her husband’s bowel problems!”

What a horrific tragedy it would be if you and your spouse are both working on doing the right things separately but one or both of you are too angry or hurt or whatever to notice that the other is trying as hard as you are! Don’t sabotage your attempts by failing to be willing to see your partner’s efforts!

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So now you’re thinking, ok, I would maybe give that a whirl…BUT. Everyone has a but (and a butt). We get to this point of the conversation, and I hear, “Well that’s all fine and good, BUT…”

Seriously…I’ve heard it. Just yesterday, I heard, yeah, but what would you do if, “XXXXX”. Same thing. “Oh yeah? but my wife cheated on me.” Same thing. “He got arrested and will be in jail for 3 months.” Same thing. “She lost her job and I don’t know how we’re going to pay bills!” Same thing.

If you aren’t willing to let that stuff go, why are you reading this?

Let me restate an earlier point—you are not going to make your spouse WRONG ENOUGH to fix your marriage. If you can’t get past whatever your, “Yeah, but…” is, then you are not going to succeed. The good news is, you don’t have to get past it all at once. So, since your way clearly hasn't been working, why not give my way a whirl? My marriage may not all be rainbows and unicorns, but it's solid, and my wife and I communicate on a level now that I never thought was possible.

Remember? We are going to change actions first, and let your actions influence your thoughts and beliefs. I believe without a doubt, the influence will be strong if you are willing to be consistent and faithful in creating change in your actions.

Right now, this isn't about changing your spouse. This is about you. It's not about your hurts and wrongs—it's about what you can do to make your spouse have a better day.

Put another way, a wise person told me today as we discussed this—it's time to celebrate the little wins, the little victories, but focus on EVERY positive, and do it in a genuine way.

In the same way that one trip to a gym isn't going to undo 2 years worth of ice cream in my belly, one day of trying really hard to do pretty much everything differently than you have been doing isn't going to stick the first time you try, and you're probably not going to see results in the first 24 hours. But, it also didn't take just 24 hours to get to this point in your relationship either, did it?

I'm going to close today with this very classic video of Zig Ziglar describing his conversation with a woman who hated her job. She couldn't think of ANYTHING good to say about it, much like you probably can't think of anything nice to say about your spouse right now. As you think about the idea of finding ALL the good in your spouse, watch this video, and see if it doesn't give you an ounce or two of perspective.  

• The marriages that I am speaking of are Christian marriages that are covenants made with God and family.
• God wants these marriages to succeed.
• Some of the concepts I talk about might be beyond your current capabilities—that's where God comes in.
• If you think you can change your spouse, you're wrong.
• If you think your spouse has changed since you got married, you're wrong.
• If you think divorcing your spouse is going to simplify your life or make you suddenly happy, you're wrong.
• If you think that your marriage is worth the effort to repair, you probably can.
• QUIT HIDING YOUR MARRIAGE PROBLEMS. Share them, and ask others to join you in prayer. Don't share specifics--they aren't relevant, share the struggle, and ask for support.

Who is on YOUR team?

Since pretty much the beginning of my life, my dad has imparted a very simple philosophy into my head—“Do you want to BE RIGHT? Or do you want to do the RIGHT THING?”

As a young man, I spent a lot of time being right—and I was really good at it.  I was a veritable superstar in everything I took on in business; I worked harder than everyone else, and I was right.  If I wasn’t right, then I at least believed that I was SO passionately that I could convince, cajole, or just wear out anyone who wanted to disagree.  I was RIGHT, and I won.  A lot.

As a young man, I thought others found my passion and drive admirable, maybe even inspirational.  It was certainly effective—at least in the short term.  As age, maturity, and life lessons were imparted on me, however, the truth became very real—I was pretty much just a jerk, even a bully.  I had to hit my head pretty hard, and pretty much foul up every aspect of my life personally and professionally to reach that realization, but it finally came.  Along with the realization came a lot of pain, a lot of humility, but more importantly, a renewed perspective and resolve to do the right thing, no matter how uncomfortable that might be.

At this point, you’re probably wondering, other than a, “column confessional,” what my point could possibly be, and how does it relate to YOUR TEAM?

Since my “conversion”, I have had a lot of opportunities to encourage and promote my staff to do the right thing.  Sure, here or there it might cost a few dollars—in some cases it cost uncomfortable conversations, and even losing customers, but in the long run, the ability to sleep well at night and really believe in what we do and how we do it, that’s a reward.  Of course, I believe firmly and I see daily that customers also notice our culture of doing the right thing, and ultimately, we have been rewarded with great success and unparalleled customer loyalty.

I’ve had great success imparting my philosophy on my staff, but what about the rest of my TEAM?

In July, a member of my staff was mowing a vacant field behind our shop.  Something happened, we are unsure what, but what we do know happened is that the mower being towed behind our shop-owned ATV, driven by a uniformed shop employee, working on shop time, doing what my shop manager told him to do…caused a fire.  The fire was “minor” in fire terms I guess, but it damaged about 300’ of neighboring property owner’s fences, landscaping, backyard sheds, etc.

Of course, we initiated a claim with our insurance company. Thus started, the dance.   Over the course of the next two or three months, we were thrown a series of hoops to jump through, all while the insurance company danced around responsibility, and all while I had 3 angry homeowners contacting me almost daily wanting to know what was happening.

First, the insurance company claimed the property wasn’t covered because we didn’t own it, and it wasn’t specifically insured.  We handled that objection.  Then, they were waiting on the fire report.  Then, they took a specific WORD in the fire report, and said that because of that word, we were not legally responsible.  With threats of lawsuits all around me, I got an attorney involved to attempt to compel the insurance company to act.  This didn’t encourage them at all.

Based on what the insurance company was hanging their hat on, I implored the fire investigator to clarify his report, which resulted in a multiple page fire report supplement in which the fire department more or less called out the insurance company for inaction.  I then submitted this supplementary report to the insurance company and asked them to make these homeowners whole, or I would do it myself.  Apparently, having handled all of the insurance company’s manufactured objections just made them angry, because not only did they still refuse to acknowledge that we caused the fire, they actually threatened ME in a letter to my attorney, and essentially said I was not allowed to try to make these homeowners whole on my own.

Convinced that I had professionally, ethically, morally, spiritually, and in every way done everything that I could to do the right thing, I had a final heartfelt conversation with the homeowners.  I truly believe that they understand that, particularly because of the poor conduct of my insurance company, I had attempted to work way above and beyond what an average business would have done for a neighbor that had been unintentionally damaged.

I did everything I could do, but I remained frustrated that I was not ALLOWED to do the RIGHT thing, and my insurance company refused.

Today, almost 4 months after the fire, I got served a lawsuit.  I am being sued for approximately three times what it would have cost to make the homeowner happy if it had happened several months ago.  Now, the insurance company that tosses around slogans akin to, “Problem Free” claims and how much they believe in the, “value of personal contact,” is going to be compelled contractually to act on my behalf.  Because I was sued in small claims court, the insurance company will likely have to remove the case to a higher court that allows attorneys to be involved.

My guess is that the cost of simply responding to the lawsuit will well overshadow the cost that would have been incurred to make the homeowner happy in the first place.  This, and my family business that has been deeply involved in our community for nearly 44 years now has a big black eye, and a dark spot on our otherwise stellar reputation.  Why?  Because they wanted to BE RIGHT, instead of doing the RIGHT THING.

So, now I ask you again…who is on YOUR team?

God speaks to us...

Last night, in a small group discussion about relationships with God, I mentioned that I felt like I was in the infancy of my understanding of this concept.  Mind you, not for lack of trying, or lack of desire...just failure of making it happen.  A friend piped in some great wisdom, I'd like to paraphrase and hope I do her justice:

She mentioned another friend (she may as well been describing me) who had been a Christian, albeit a frustrated one, for decades, but lacked the feeling of a personal relationship with God.  He couldn't understand why he did not feel that connection.  He watched in worship services as others soaked in the joy and grace and love and WONDERFUL feelings from a shared connection with others and their Lord.  He felt dead, broken, like he was doing something wrong, even though his intentions and desires were to partake in those same awesome things.

She then described a moment where a number of people rallied around him and helped answer his questions about personal relationships with God, and "un-stalled" decades of stale, unfulfilled Christianity.

Too often, I think that well-intended Christians are so excited about their personal epiphany with God that we fail to help others in their own journey.  Genuine, (yet condescending and hurtful) comments like, "Well, when xxx happens, you'll know," or "What you need to do is..." or, my personal favorite (and I'm guilty of it myself), "I used to feel EXACTLY the same way, until..."

In our discussions last night, I think I settled on two simple truths.  No revelations, just a desire on my part to keep it simple...

One--God is there.  God desires a relationship with us that is deep and personal, and direct, and meaningful.  God desires us to allow Him to be the ONLY thing that we need, and promises to be there no matter what, with no end.  The roadblock in this relationship is not God, it's us.  We have to make a conscious effort to allow God into EVERY part of our life, every thought, every desire, every win, and every failure.

Two--God will speak to each of us how WE need, when WE need it, if we allow Him, and if we are ready to hear Him.  Some refer to this as God, "meeting us where we are".

For me, I was definitely in the way of my relationship with God.  I was living a life of stated belief and principle for a very long time, but I was unwilling to put myself out on faith, or to be vulnerable.  Frankly, I wanted to hide the ugly stuff--from myself, from others, and from God.  Even when I was past THAT point, and no longer hiding, I went through a *very* difficult time of doubting very seriously if God was interested in giving a guy as bad as me a chance.  I felt like I had squandered a lot of great opportunities and situations, and was pretty much a selfish jerk undeserving of any of the awesome that God had to offer.

As it turns out, I'm not good enough, and I can't be, but that's what makes the power of Christ and his sacrifice such a lesson in grace.  All God wants from me is acceptance of His gift, and a loving relationship with me.  Wow.

I believe that many people, especially people that are deeply hurting, are waiting to "hear" from God.  My point "TWO" above I think is a dangerous place for an excited, happy Christian trying to encourage another who is waiting to hear from God.  This is a place I have found myself several times in the last few years, where I end up feeling bad, and frankly I think others have resented me, because they tried to repair THEIR life by doing the same things I did, but were frustrated because they didn't get the same results.  I think that's a natural human response--especially amongst men...we want to fix things, and we want a clear, detailed, step by step path to the repair.

Sadly, the damage to our hearts and lives rarely occurs as the result of a single, measurable event, so attempting a repair in that manner is generally fruitless.  From the basis of our belief system of the broad "born a sinner" concept, to the more specific and tangible series of mistakes and life choices that put us where we are...the missing and broken spaces in our hearts that only God can fill is a personal process (not a one time event), and a journey that we must undertake willingly and personally.

I'm going to make a concerted effort to encourage others to explore and open themselves to God's love...but MY story is MY story.  MY story is about where God needed to come to meet me, and where I had to get to be willing to hear from Him.  Trying to force MY story into someone else's situation, no matter how well intentioned, is not necessarily going to help someone else in THEIR journey.

My challenge to myself--Encourage others that God IS there.   Continue to nurture that relationship in my own life, and work really hard on being open to hearing what He has to say to me.  Encourage others to do the same.  Share successes and happiness, but allow others to partake in their own journey.

I hope some bits and pieces here make some sense to someone...I needed to get some thoughts out of my head to make room for some work stuff!

Blessings.

Thank you for being a friend...

I spent a good portion of my life believing that church was for do-gooders trying to out do-good one another.  It was not uncommon to hear me say, "God knows where my heart is, I don't need to go to church to prove anything to anyone."

I was really missing out, and didn't even know it!

In fact, my stand-offish view on church was a pretty good reflection of my relationship with God, and my ability to communicate with Him.  Yet, I was always wondering why I didn't have that closer relationship, why I didn't feel the "connection" that so many others described.  I spent a lot of years confused and angry that I couldn't have THAT.  Frankly, it kind of was a cycle of degeneration--attend church, no connection, be cynical about church, repeat.

It was not until I was sufficiently (and at least initially--quite involuntarily) humbled that my views and my results began to change a bit.

When my marriage and life blew up, I immediately sought refuge and comfort anywhere that I could find it, and an important place for that comfort became church--specifically Rocky Mountain Christian Church.  For several months, there were many weeks that the only time I felt peace, calm, and connection with others was in the hour or so on Sundays, and the hour or so of men's group on Thursday nights.  Just typing this, I remember the knot in my stomach that I had when men's group would be cancelled, or when something else kept me from being able to attend.  It was absolutely awful.

In the last 6 weeks or so, I've not been attending church.  We were out of town several weekends in a row, and I was working with a flight instructor who was available on Sunday mornings, so I took advantage of the opportunity.  I've also had a rough patch of business life for the better part of the summer.  Again, another bit of a cycle of degeneration, and I didn't even notice it happening.

Today, a couple of important things happened...Out of "nowhere" one of my 12-step partners dropped into the shop today to get a flat repair and say hello.  Immediately, I swelled with emotion, gratitude, and appreciation for where and how my life is.  We hugged, chatted, and went on after just a few minutes, but not without me telling him how significant it was to see him today.  I've been up and down, but more or less down, for a number of weeks...seeing him didn't just bring me some positivity, it also reminded me of where I've been, and how thankful I am to no longer be there!

I absolutely PEAKED, though, when I stepped into the building at Rocky this afternoon.  Instantly, my peace, my joy, my very soul was rejuvenated...and that was before I said a word to anyone.  I had stopped by because I agreed to participate in a quick video testimony of my mission trip experience-- just a quick 50-60 seconds of thoughts, repeated a half a dozen times until it made enough sense to be usable.  Just in and out, doing my part.  After my experience Some hugs, some conversations, some fellowship.  WOW, I didn't even realize how much I had missed it!

My man Zig Ziglar used to say that motivation isn't permanent--and neither is bathing; hence, both should be repeated often, even perhaps daily.

I'd say the same applies for fellowship.  Fellowship, particularly positive Christian fellowship builds me up, even when there is no agenda, no stated purpose, no plan.  I just can't describe adequately how different my day was after leaving Rocky today.  An hour, tops.  Brief conversations with 3 people.  Basic, simple, positive energy and fellowship.  That whole Matthew 18:20 thing.  The presence of God.  Acknowledging and celebrating him, even just by being there.  Awesome.

I've tried to make strides in this arena.  I've forced myself to be more "friendly".  I've even gone as far (mentioned in a couple previous posts), as to literally ask a couple of great guys to be my friends.  It might sound silly, but I truly crave the energy that is produced when I make myself humble and vulnerable enough to let others in for a while.

I wonder if I could convince a couple of decision makers at church to focus another teaching series on this concept...fellowship, recharging, building and holding one another up.  Soaking up the good that God has to give.  Refilling our basket so that we can go back out and share with others.

Anyway, that's what I'm thinking about tonight.  My rambling, my head clearing.  Thanks for letting me share.

Blessings.

Yeah, I've got your back.

To brothers and sisters with the copy and paste, "IGYB" and "IGY6" posts. I appreciate what the intent is behind those posts, but I have not copied and pasted mostly because I haven't been in front of a keyboard where I could articulate my thoughts.

Nobody has any doubt how I feel about those who serve. I certainly have a special spot in my heart for those who have chosen law enforcement, but as I have aged, matured, hurt, and lost a few times, I've developed a much broader definition of service, and I've developed a much stronger sense of the concept of friendship, brotherhood, and leadership.

Recently, I had the opportunity to explain to a few folks that my active participation as a sworn deputy with our local sheriff's office was really not that different from Heidi and I taking part in our recent Compassion trip to Ecuador. In both cases, we are using the talents and gifts that God gave us to help other people. In both cases, I am able to share these gifts because of the blessings and success that my family's business has had, and the freedom that is afforded by that success.

Back to point, there has been a lot of reason for my blue family to circle the wagons and encourage one another, and encourage one another's family members. There is little as tragic as anyone being killed in the line of service; probably trumped only by cold-blooded, intentional murder that we've recently seen.

So, yeah. I've got your back. I've got your back if we wear a uniform and carry a gun so that other families can breathe a little easier. I've got your back if (as my staff did last week), you're the first fire truck to roll up to a grass fire and you need another set of hands to drag a hose. I'm here if you are beating that demon of addiction, and it's just one of THOSE days and you need to talk. I'm here if your relationship tanked and life just sucks and you want to gripe. I've got your back if you've known me long enough to wonder, "What happened to that guy," and you want to know a bit more about how my relationship with Christ has affected my EVERYTHING.

I appreciate knowing that my brothers and sisters in and out of uniform would do anything for me. I'd jump in front of a bullet, or push you out of the way of an oncoming car if I could too. Not because I want to get hurt or die, but because I know you'd do that for me.

God did that for me, for you, for us. He took it all on, so that we could take that whole, "eternal damnation," thing off our minds and serve Him; not so we could get in fights about sporting events, tear families apart over politics, or bicker about trivial things on Facebook--so we could spread JOY, and LOVE, and HOPE from Him to those who long so desperately to hold those things close.

Most of you reading this made the LONG journey with me. My friends list on Facebook was cut in about 1/3 when my life was a disaster, I was trying to put it all back together--God, marriage, sobriety...the whole mess.

Some of you have joined me since then--church friends, pastors, like minded missions folks, new friends in law enforcement, Ecuadorian friends. Almost every person who I am connected to directly on Facebook has a legitimate contact to me, and has touched my life in some way. Some have found, that if that way isn't a positive one, I don't have much use for people. I'll own that. Be positive. Ephesians 4:29 people. It's on the whiteboard at work! Yeah, I fail too. It's hard. Life is hard. But without lofty goals, we can all just sit around and gripe about how it's too hard to aspire to more.

Most of my facebook posts are private, only shared among those of you that I call friends. Some, like this one, I might change to public, because maybe someone, somewhere else would benefit from my ramblings. You can feel free to share if you want.

So. I'm going to put a uniform on, and put on my duty belt, and go spend the last 10 or 12 hours of my vacation working a shift with my brothers from the Sheriff's office that has accepted me as one of them. I'll serve, I'll do my part. Tomorrow, I'll go to work and do what I have to do there, so that I can do this again, and visit Ecuador again soon.

Yeah. I've got your back, brothers, because we are that. We are brothers and sisters. One People. One Church. One God.

#sheepdog #onechurch